Random Thought

Finding little things to be happy about can absolutely make a difference.  Today, I am happy because I found out that December 6th is "Bathtub Party Day".  What could sound more fun than that?  Here's to celebrating the little things.  : )

Words…

When I started writing this post I wanted to write about the words we use to express ourselves.  Words are important.  Words have meaning.  It seems so obvious but how often do we throw around words that aren’t accurate and can cause pain or panic or anxiety.  People toss out words like ‘devastating’ or ‘catastrophic’ or even ‘always’ and ‘never’ and they just aren’t accurate.  When you speak, choose your words carefully.  Ask yourself – is this really what I am trying to convey?  It can make all the difference between a positive interaction and confusion.

I did have some great examples but then decided to forgo them for a website I found which is also about words.  Save the Words

It is all about saving the words that are phasing out of the English language.  It amused me so I thought I’d do my part to save a word.

I am saving the word “starify”.  I don’t know if it is a real word or not but why not use it whenever I can.  It had something to do with decorating using stars.  I can use it in sentences such as “After the age of 10, it is probably not a good idea to starify your bedroom.”  Or “The Fourth of July is a great day to starify your shirt.”  I’m sure I’ll get everyone saying it soon.

Have Fun and Hang in There!

Veterans Day

Thursday, November 11th is Veterans Day in the United States. 

Obviously, people have different views but I am appreciative of all those who served this country.  Service is noble and honorable and worthy of praise.

If you are a veteran there are resources and services available to you.  Wherever you live in the US there should a Veteran’s Service Officer who can assist you with obtaining benefits and assistance.  Don’t hesitate to ask.

Veterans Administration  or do an internet search “county veterans service officer”

Another organization, Give an Hour offers mental health counseling for free to individuals who served in Iraq and Afghanistan – and their families with mental health needs.  This is a free service and licensed therapists donate their time to assist military and their families.

Obtaining mental health is assistance is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.  Events from 40 years ago can creep up on you and contribute to feelings and behaviors right now.  If you believe talking to someone may help or even if you think that it probably won’t help but you are willing to try, take that chance and find a therapist.

The last of my ramblings is to recommend a book Tears of a Warrior: A Family's Story of Combat by Janet and Anthony Seahorn.   This book is easy to read and seems beneficial for Veterans, those who love them and even clinicians who treat them, it talks about the long term effects of PTSD.

To all Veterans – Thank You for your service. 

(And of course below are the quotes I can’t help but add.)

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” 

~Cynthia Ozick

“America's veterans embody the ideals upon which America was founded more than 229 years ago.”

~Steve Buyer

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." ~Jose Narosky

Do your part to stop bullying.

Speak up against bullying. Pass on to adolescents and children that it does get better. They are not alone.

It may be Kermit the Frog but he says what needs to be said.

Kermit The Frog's "It Gets Better" Video

October is Mental Health Month

Our own mental health is priceless.  Do a quick check in with yourself.

• Have you felt sad or blue with no identifiable trigger?
• Have you felt sadness over a very long period of time?
• Are your moods interfering with your day to day activities?
• Have you started to have trouble concentrating? (For example you are an avid reader but can’t seem to get through more than a few pages of a book at a time.)
• Have you been feeling more irritable and frustrated?
• Have you changed your eating patterns?  Eating a lot more or a lot less?
• Have your sleeping patterns changed?  Are you sleeping all of the time or unable able to sleep at all?
• Have you lost interest in activities you generally enjoy?
• Does depression or other mental health issues run in your family?
• Have you had suicidal thoughts or ideation?

If you see yourself in the above questions, please gather some courage and take that next step.  Even if your mental health is totally fine, don't forget to take steps to maintain optimal mental health.

You can often complete depression and mental health screenings at your local hospital or mental health agency.  If you are in college your school probably has a counseling center you can access.  There are probably also mental health therapists in your area who are trained to help. Try giving one of them a call. 

Give yourself a deadline.  For example, tell yourself by the end of next week I will:    

n      Call my doctor to review my medication.

n      Look at my budget to see how to fit in a therapist.

n      Look at the local hospital website to see if there is a depression screening.

n      Any one (or more) thing you can think of that will give you forward motion to better mental health.

You may feel like you should be handle your emotions and difficulties all on your own.   Remind yourself that there is no shame in asking for help.  Every single one of us needs help at one time or another – there are no exceptions.  It is often very difficult to seek the help we need but the payoff can be well worth difficulty.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that it is OK to feel healthy, happy and whole.

I wish all that for you.

If you do have suicidal thoughts or ideations please contact help immediately.  You can call 911 if it is emergency or call the suicide hotline at 1-800-784-2433

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”  August Wilson

Something about this quote touched me today.  I think it honors that individuals are complicated.   Individuals have broken parts of themselves and instead of hiding away that which isn’t bright and shiny it may be helpful to look at those parts.  Work on them, change them, accept what you cannot change and use the parts to highlight your strengths. People are complex and looking at those pieces we don’t particular like might just make us a richer, stronger, solid individual.  Just my thoughts today.

Dr. Suess Quotes

Dr. Suess was born in 1904 and died almost 20 years ago but some of the wisdom in his children’s books is ageless.  We try to teach kids to love themselves, love others, be kind, that they are unique and special and loved but sometimes we forget these simple, joyful  truths of life when we grow up.  Some of his quotes are a bit sad but today I’m sharing the Dr. Suess quotes that brought a smile to me and hope they bring you a little bounce too.

 “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the things you can think up if only you try!”

 “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Focusing On The Positive

At a training I attended this story was included in our materials.

An Old Cherokee Indian was speaking to his grandson: "A fight is going on inside me,"he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.  one is evil--he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.  The other is goo -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.  This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."  The grandson thought about it for a long minute, and then asked his grandfather, "which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee replied simply, "The one you feed."

Source: Whittmer G. Willkers (as noted on the story I have but it appears to be on the Internet in many places but usually just states Cherokee words of wisdom.)

Take some time and reflect on the part of your soul that you are feeding.  It seems to reason that if your focus is consistently on all that is not OK, the parts of yourself you do not like, and your mistakes etc., that  you will be inviting more darkness and unhappiness into your life.  Conversely if you focus on the amazing parts of your being and embrace that which is good that you will invite a more positive energy into your life.

End Of Life Care

Wondering around on the internet I came across this opinion article on CNN regarding end of life care.
End Of Life    Although it lost me a bit with the war talk it seems to make a point about choices at the end of life.

I am a dialysis social worker in addition to my private practice and one thing that often is frustrating is seeing how little time and effort is put into sharing with individuals their prognosis, realistic goals and the possibility of hospice or other appropriate care.   Like most of us I want my family and friends to live a long life and have them around to share the journey as long as possible.  I want to stay on journey as long as I am able and wouldn't want someone to decide for me what should happen if there was a serious medical issue. However,  not talking about death and avoiding taking measures to have a good end of life does not stop the inevitable.  In dialysis (and really for most medical treatments) I believe one good question to ask is if the treatment is prolonging your life or merely prolonging your death.

One saying that I think can be comforting and that I just googled and found is attributed to Patrick Overton is

“When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will learn how to fly.”

(And apologies to Patrick Overton because there seem to be a ton of variations on this saying!)

Siblings

I was thinking about sibling relationships and serendipitously had this short little blurb about sibling relationships.e-mailed to me.

Siblings and Depression

It basically says that having a loving relationship with your siblings can fend off depression. It also notes that sisters seem to be better depression busters than brothers that brothers are good too.

Do you have siblings? Your siblings have know you longer than anyone else and probably are the only individuals you have that understand where you came from because they were there too. Your siblings have known you the longest of anyone. As I age I believe more and more that it is important to have people in your life who knew you when you were young. We mature and grow and struggle so much we sometimes lose characteristics and dreams of our youth. That doesn’t make them any less a part of us and it is comforting to have someone who remembers the good parts of the old you.

Take a moment and call or e-mail your sibling today. Just say hi – especially if time and distance has separated you. You may just find another way to fight depressing feelings.

Differences

"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."
- G. H. Hardy

Mostly, people want to belong.  So...just a reminder that it is ok to be a little different.  Our differences from others are actually what form our identity and make us known. Affirm with yourself that it is OK to be different, it is ok to have different values and causes and hobbies than your friends and family.  The only caveat I put in place personally is that my beliefs and actions just cannot hurt others.  Make your own caveats.  Take a moment to celebrate and enjoy your differences.

If it is to be...

My mom used to have a little picture hanging on her wall that said “If it is to be it is up to me.”  I irrationally didn’t like the saying.  Maybe I didn’t like it because it is completely true and it puts a lot of responsibility on me to make my own happiness or develop and reach my own goals. 

It is often more comfortable to believe that our lives are mostly out of our control.  You might say "but I have this illness” or “it is the only job I can get and I need money to live” or “it takes two for a successful relationship” and this talk makes it easy to abdicate responsibility.

Although there are conditions out of our control, we mostly do have say in our lives. We may have to live within constraints not of our choosing (e.g. having to be a caretaker for sick parent or a physical illness with which to contend or significant other who thinks it is ok to cheat) but we do have control of how we respond to circumstances and what we do within the restrictions of our life. It is easy to think that if your partner could be a little more understanding or you could make just a little more money or if you could just have a more understanding boss that everything would be fine.  Often individuals wait for someone to save them or make everything better or a circumstance to change before they “go for it.”  What are you waiting for?  If you aren’t where you want to be or if you are waiting for some specific circumstance to change - stop.  Make a plan, take a step – no matter how small and start to take responsibility for what you want out of life.

If it is to be – it is up to you to make it so. 

June

It is the mid point of June and just for fun here are some designations for June.

Children’s Awareness Month – focusing on recognizing the exposure and helplessness of children to violence.

Children Vision Awareness Month – To increase the public’s knowledge of children’s vision problems and encourage increased screening of infants and school age children.

National GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual,Transgender) Awareness Month – To increase awareness and acceptance of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals.

Professional Wellness Month   - To increase your worth in the marketplace.

National Ice Tea Month – Which I include just because I like Ice Tea.

Rebuild Your Life Month – I think this is made of win.  Although someone can choose to make changes in attitude or behavior at any time – I think it is phenomenal there is a whole month dedicated to starting anew.     You can’t change the past but no matter your demons or history you can allow yourself to acknowledge, take responsibility and change beginning today.

Emotions

Maybe you just went through a break up.  Maybe someone near and dear to you died.  Maybe you are overwhelmed with your child’s behaviors.  When difficult situations arise often there are messy, uncomfortable emotions to feel.

So what do we do?  Well it seems as if most people’s first instincts are to get busy and avoid feeling.  Someone asks you “how are you doing?”  You say “keeping busy” or “working a lot”.  If you notice neither answer actually is a feeling – it is what you are doing to avoid feeling.  People often spend a lot of time avoiding having to feel.

At the same time most people will say they just want to feel better.  They want to accept their loss or frustration and move on.  They may be frustrated when it seems to take too long to feel better.

First there is no time limit for a feeling. Emotions are complicated and you may feel sad or happy or guilty all in a short time.   If your emotions start interfering with your day to day life you may consider getting outside assistance. 

Second, to get to the place of being better – you are going to have to stop and actually feel those uncomfortable feelings.  Take a moment and identify the feelings you have – not what you are thinking or what you are doing.  For example “I feel lonely” vs. “I think I’m not worthy” or whatever.  Take a moment to actually feel.  It is ok to feel sad or frustrated.  Emotions serve a purpose.  Difficult feelings might spurn you to make a change. 

The intensity of feelings generally fades when they are acknowledged and felt.  Taking the time to stop and just be with your emotions just may get you to the better place you want be.

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day to those in the United States.  Memorial Day honors those who have died in service to their country.  It originally was titled "Decoration Day" and likely first celebrated on May 30, 1868.  I am grateful for all those who gave their lives for their country and for my freedoms.  I think Memorial Day is a time when we can remember that we are all interdependent on each other and that we all have the opportunity to give back.  We are all part of the big picture.  Remember those who have gone before us.

Death and Dying

Talking about death and dying is something individuals often want to avoid.  Much is involved with the dying process and a “good death” is more likely to occur if you have prepared.  There are many definitions of a good death but to me a good death is a death where there isn’t a lot left hanging.  Relationships are at peace.  Decisions are made as the person dying would have made them.  In most situations, that treatment they seek is used to prolong life and is carefully considered when it is prolonging death.  I think it is where the individual and their family and friends feel heard and cared for.   A good death requires planning.

I fully encourage individuals – of every age- to complete an advanced directive for their state and the 5 Wishes booklet.  (For a free download of your state’s advanced directive I found the website  http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload and the five wishes can be found at www.agingwithdignity.org/five-wishes.php .   

Sometimes individuals don’t want to fill out an advanced directive because they are afraid that they are somehow tempting fate.  Unfortunately accidents happen unexpectedly and the aftermath must be dealt with prepared or not

Often people will say “my family will do what they know I want.”    Sometimes emotions are a bit unpredictable during stressful times.  Even if your wife or son or partner knows your wishes they may try treatments you wouldn’t even have considered if it means not losing you.  Also, legally someone will likely be chosen to make decisions to

Some individuals are worried that if they complete advanced directives then health care professionals will stop talking to them and will talk to your medical proxy.  This may happen sometimes but if you are capable of making decisions the health care provider should only speak with you and you will make the decisions on your treatment and decide who gets information.  Fortunately most health care professionals understand and ensure the patient is making their own decisions.  Also, think about what might happen if you do not have advanced directives.  Let’s say you do not have a spouse and you have three adult children.  One of your children is really involved and takes care of you and you would choose them to be your medical power of attorney.   You assume everyone would know that so you don’t put anything in writing.  Then, unfortunately, you enter the hospital and are unable to speak for yourself and another child is there. They speak up a lot and the staff gets to know them and decides they should be the medical power of attorney and for what ever reason and the first child, in an effort for peace, doesn’t contest or say anything.  Since there are no advanced directives, the second child ends up being the power of attorney and as much as you love them they are not the one you would have chosen to make your medical decisions.  Consider completing advanced directives.

I encourage 5 Wishes because it goes beyond the legal power of attorney. (5 wishes is considered a legal document for advanced directives in most states but not all so check before using it as a legal document) It talks about comfort care (do you want pictures of loved ones, do you want your hair washed, do you want to be read to etc.) It also talks about having forgiven those in your life for anything that may still be between them and that they forgive you too.  Five Wishes considers the relationships.  It also discusses your wishes for your funeral.  That’s a whole different topic in itself but rituals and traditions are important to grieving and healing and you have the opportunity before you die to put your wishes.  If you are unable to obtain a copy of 5 Wishes or do not want one, consider writing out your wishes about comfort, relationships and memorials so your family/friends can have access to them if you get sick.

The one thing we all have in common is that we all die.  Generally we do not get to choose when to die but we can choose to have a “good death.”

A Tuesday Thought

"When you got an elephant by the hind leg and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him run"
      Abraham Lincoln


How often do you hang on to beliefs, behaviors or relationships that are crushing you or pulling you from your potential.  Maybe it is time to take a deep breath, let go, and see where freedom might lead you..

Happiness

Happiness

I was trying to post a blurb about happiness.  Somehow it became lost in the nethers which is unfortunate because I’m sure it was full of wisdom I will be unable to repeat. 

My post quoted Abraham Lincoln’s well known know remark “Most folks are about as happy as the make up their minds to be.”  I wrote about our values and if we believe we need something (well behaved kids, a big home, a great relationship or whatever) or we believe something “should” be a way (a certain weight, a certain job, a certain sexual orientation) and we don’t  have it or we are not the “should”  than we struggle with our happiness. 
To find happiness we may have to change what our definition of happiness is. 

During counseling if someone says they just “want to be happy” – I will ask them “what does happiness look like?”  Almost one hundred percent of people struggle with the answer.  If we can’t define what happiness is-how will we get there? 
What is happiness for you?  Happiness can take many forms – a pedicure, clean sheets, your kid making getting the ball through the hoop at a basket ball game, closing a deal at work, an entertaining television show, paying all your bills – figure out what happiness means to you so you can take steps to live in Happy.

While rewriting this post I saw a poem on a listserv I follow.  (Apparently April is also Poetry Month)  It seemed to fit this post.  Maybe happiness is also choosing to be OK with both the good and the rough stuff in life.  This poem brought me some happiness so I am sharing the first two stanzas with you.

The World Is a Beautiful Place  (The first two stanzas – there is more to the poem J )
by Lawrence Ferlinghetti
The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time
The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half bad
if it isn't you

Facing Fear

Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace.


Amelia Earhart


People often live so much of their lives in fear. It is so much easier to avoid that which scares us. We can manage to avoid all sorts of things that scare us and still live an ok, fulfilling life. Only… we will know that we could have done more or been more or reached our potential. Today might be the day to take a chance. There are a couple of things you can do when fear is getting in your way.

• Try deep breathing and relaxation. Different techniques work for different people. When I was in undergrad they taught us a technique I still use today a million years later. I try inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. I may close my eyes or pick a focal point in the room. When I exhale I usually say a word. Any word will do but I usually use the word peace. This exercise seems to calm me and lower my heart rate. Look on the internet or at the library for relaxation techniques. Try different techniques and see what works for you.


• Practice what you are going to do or say. Practicing will build your confidence.


• Another technique is to figure out the absolutely worse thing that could possibly happen if you face your fear and take action. Exaggerate the outcome and think of all the possibilities. You may realize that your outcome is very unlikely to come to pass and then realize if it does that you would live through it and be ok.


• Try positive self-talk. Instead of telling yourself to just give into the fear so you can feel relief tell yourself you can do it. Tell yourself that you are capable and will succeed at your task. It is amazing how much our own negative self talk can bring us down.


As people we tend to regret less what we do that we fail at or that which goes horribly wrong. We regret more the missed chances and what we didn’t try. Maybe today is the day to be brave and face your fears. Today I am going to face one of my fears. You can do it too!

Follow Your Dreams

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.



--Henry David Thoreau



It is so easy to give in to frustration. It is so easy to settle. You might tell yourself you are lucky to have a job or that there are so many people worse off than you. That may be true but that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be living the life you envision. You don’t have to be stuck in a miserable job or a toxic relationship. Maybe today is the day you spend time reevaluating your life. Figure out what you love and what you want to do and take a first step. Look at what you value and start to figure out how to live your values. We often give up our dreams as too lofty or not realistic. Take today and don’t be realistic. If there were no obstacles in your way – Who would you be? If you move forward – within your values and toward your dreams- you will find happiness and success in ways you may have never imagined.

Parenting Teens

Teen Behavior

Often one of the many struggles parents have is recognizing what is normal teen behavior verse teen behavior they should cause them worry.


What is normal? Has your teen begun giving you one word answers to any questions you ask? Does your teen seem to text an unbelievable amount? Are you wishing you could sleep as much as your teen? Are their friends the highest priority in their life now? Is your teen always irritable? Does it seem like your child is involved with a soap opera because he or she is so emotional, always a huge crisis and their world will soon end if it doesn’t work out.

All the above – normal behavior.

What should you worry about? Worry if your child seems to be involved with drugs and alcohol. Are there brushes with police involvement? Question if your child seems to have completely changed their friends. Peers really are a huge influence on teens and if your teen’s friends are into risky behavior it will be easy for your teen to fall into the same behavior. Meet your child’s friends. Yes, it may embarrass your youth but it is a huge red flag if you are never able to interact even minimally with your child’s friends. Is there a sudden drastic change of personality such as being excessively secretive or skipping school? Look a little deeper if you start catching them in lies – what are they doing that they can’t tell you?


Trust your gut – if something really feels off – it probably is.

Any hope? Well they will grow into adults eventually. Teens are supposed to be individuating themselves from their parents and they are clarifying their identities. There are still going to be good times and family togetherness but you did your job well if your youth is trying to be independent.


What should you do? Know your kid’s friends. Pick your battles. Say yes whenever you can. Be reasonable. Stay involved. One of the hardest tasks of being a parent is being able to be hated for short periods of time. Do your best not to personalize all the irritation thrown at you.

Over and Over

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein


Does it ever seem like you keep making the same mistakes again and again? Do you keep getting outcomes you don’t like? For example, every time you try to have a conversation with your significant other you end up in an argument? Maybe you are trying to save your money but it always seems to disappear. Maybe you want to lose 30 pounds and you but the scale just moves up rather than down (Yes – I kind of live in that place.) You see these goals for yourself but keep getting the same results. If whatever behavior you are engaging in isn’t working than it is time to try something different. Below are examples of changing behavior that may result in a different outcome.



Significant Other in fight.


Review: Everytime I try to talk to my significant other we seem to argue. I seem to always approach

               my significant other when he or she is on the computer.

Change Behavior: Try approaching them at a different time.


Evaluate: My significant other was more agreeable to talking. – Then successful outcome.

If not – try something else.


Saving Money


Review: I never seem able to save my money. I keep a budget in my head and balance my check book.



Change Behavior: This paycheck I’m going to write down a budget and write down where I spend  
                                all my money.

Evaluate: I am able to better keep track of my money and started saving – Then successful outcome.


If not – try something else.


Losing Weight


Review: I really want to lose 30 pounds so I feel healthier and better about myself.



Change Behavior: I go out to eat 5 nights a week. I’ll cook at home more and only eat out 1 time a

week.

Evaluate: I am feeling better and have started to lose weight – successful outcome.


If not –try something else.


You might not find the answer the first or even the second time but you might feel better just by trying something different. We all get comfortable in our patterns and behaviors but if we want different outcomes we really have to change our approach. If you aren't ready to change or just don't really want to - that's OK too.  Keep in mind if you keep doing what you are doing – you will keep getting what you are getting.

Social Work Month

social work
n. Organized work intended to advance the social conditions of a community, and especially of the disadvantaged, by providing psychological counseling, guidance, and assistance, especially in the form of social services. (cited below)

I am a social worker. I am proud to be a social worker. Unfortunately social workers often get a bad rap. In media social workers are often portrayed as angry, unhappy individuals who can’t be bothered to do their jobs and rip children from their parents without consideration. That is not the real picture of a social worker. Social workers mostly try to help people,communities and even the world be better, have better quality life, be safer and be more empowered.

Social workers held about 595,000 jobs in 2006 (http://www.socialworkers.org/pressroom/swMonth/2010/factsheetHSH.pdf)

Social workers work with people through all stages of life from birth through dying. Social workers assist in child welfare, family services, hospitals and other medical establishments, state agencies, community programs, schools, volunteer groups, organizations that promote equality and peace, after school programs, substance abuse and addictions, nursing homes, during disasters and traumatic events and in private practice. Just to name a few. If there are people, communities or systems that are struggling or in need there is likely a social worker somewhere helping out. If you know any social workers ask them about what they do everyday and you may be very surprised. Wish them a happy Social Work month!

To find out more information about social workers visit http://www.socialworkers.org/

(On a totally different note it is also National Kidney Month and March 11th World Kidney Day. If you have kidney disease in your family, if you have diabetes or high blood pressure you may save your life or avoid years of dialysis by participating in a free kidney screening. For more information or to find a free kidney screening by you stop at http://www.kidney.org/news/keep/index.cfm)

little articles

Sometimes I write short little blogs for this site and sometimes I like to write a little longer articles for ezine.com. If you follow this link   ezine articles  you can review my articles regarding becoming a foster parent and improving your relationship with your teenager.

Suicide

I was touched while reading the words of the parents of actor Andrew Koenig who was found dead from suicide. Their words have so much wisdom and I am grateful that they shared them with the world.

His mother, Judy Koenig said that Andrew Koenig Andrew Koenig had many people who loved him, but "in his pain, he didn't realize it was available to him," she said. Judy Koenig

His father said, "If you're one of those people who can't handle it anymore, you know, if you can learn anything from this, there are people out there who really care. "You may not think so and ultimately it may not be enough, but there are people who really care."
Families of those who are troubled should not ignore the warning signs, he said. "Don't ignore it, don't rationalize it," he said. Walter Koenig

(Both quotes from http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/25/growing.pains.actor.dead/index.html?hpt=Sbin )

If you are not in the situation of pain it is hard to understand why someone would take their life. In that place of pain you may intellectually know there are people who care and there is help out there but the emotional connection and finding hope is so much more difficult. If you have never been in the situation where you can’t find the hope to go one, you are blessed. Mental Illness, Depression and despair are real. Believe people when they say they can’t go on. Let those in your life know you love them. I always think that if people could wait a beat or two or get to the next day they might be able to find the strength to go on. If you are in that place of pain look for that reserve in you to ask someone for help.



The Suicide Prevention Life also has a list of suicide warning signs on their home page.

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.” Alexa Young

What will it take to forgive yourself for the mistakes in your past? What needs to happen for you to let go of all of the actions or failure to acts in your past? Often we can forgive others for wrongs towards us but struggle with our own actions. Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Review the past and the items that stay with you or cause self- doubt or dislike. Allow yourself to feel the feelings associated with that event and then consciously try to let go.

We all know we can’t change the past but sometimes we keep trying. Start today. If you need to make amends or take some action to move on – take it now and move forward. It is OK to forgive yourself for that which you cannot change. Start right now.

For Women

Someone posted this song and video on a listserv I lurk on and it resonated with me. I couldn't choose between these two versions so you get them both.










Women often sell themselves short. A woman may have ideals in her head based on societal, familial and personal expectations. Often the expectations are unrealistic yet we beat ourselves up for not meeting this ideal. A woman may grieve lost youth and opportunities. It is more beneficial to embrace our age and the wisdom and experience that comes with it. There is such power in the knowledge that gain as we grow older. Use your wisdom and grace and live in the moment. There is time to take chances, fulfill your hopes and work toward your dreams. Love and take care of yourself. Love and take care of your family and friends. Respect others and do your best not to cause harm. Honor who you are. You are enough.

Strengths (You do have them!)

Strengths
How many social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The light bulb isn’t burned out it is just lit differently.

Although there are several answers to the above joke, this answer illustrates that Social Workers are noted for being able to find strengths in any person. I have worked in social services for about 18 years and I have never come across an instance I couldn’t find some strength to write about a person.
There are always options. The person is…

~resilient ~loves their family ~hard worker~ willing to attend sessions ~ open to new ideas
~ good sense of humor ~caring ~ smart ~ creative~ full of hope


I know that if I have a little time with a person I can list strengths for virtually every single individual I meet. If I asked you to evaluate people you know – even people you don’t like – you could probably come up with positives for everyone. So why is it, that during my assessment process, when I ask “what are some strengths you have” – there is almost always complete silence. I’ll even give more explanation and say “maybe a personality trait you like about yourself or a role in your life you think you do well or something that you enjoy…” With prompting people will usually come up with 1 or 2 positive characteristics (accompanied by a nervous laugh or stated as a question) but people often seem so uncomfortable stating anything positive in reference to his or her self. If I asked most people to list strengths about any member of their family, he or she would give me a litany of the good traits. Usually, even when individuals say something negative about a family member they slip in a positive.

Stating what is awesome about you and believing that you have strengths is not conceited. You have strengths – that is just true. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t see it as a strength. You know yourself. Tout your own horn.

Right now try to think of 5 strengths you have. Is it easy? Is it difficult? Strengths don’t have to be big and grand. You make a phenomenal spinach-artichoke dip – that’s a strength. It is so easy to get bogged down in what we don’t like about ourselves and what we do wrong that we forget there is this whole delightful side to each of us. We often automatically have lots of negative self talk. When you hear that negative voice in your head try stopping it and yourself permission to like yourself, recognize your wonderfulness and be proud of your strengths.

To Take or Not To Take Psychiatric Medications

I lurk on a site of mental health professionals. Sometimes the conversation steers towards psychiatric medications (for example medication that assists with depression, anxiety or delusions among other symptoms.)
While most therapists seem to take situations on a case to case basis, the discussion of the use of medications often brings out a polarity in a few therapists. A few will say medication is never ok and some seem to believe that medication is the answer to all that ails you.

My personal belief is that everyone should be individually assessed to see if medication is appropriate. I do believe that psychiatric medication is overused in the United States. Sometimes you just might be sad or angry. Sometimes you might be going through a rough time. Humans are emotional beings and it is ok to have emotions without necessarily needing medication. Part of being human is sometimes feeling bad or frustrated or even a little out of control of situations sometimes.

Conversely, I firmly believe there are situations where psychiatric medication makes the difference from living a life of unmanageable anxiety, fear, or depression to having a manageable, content life.
It seems like it would beneficial to think carefully about taking psychiatric medication. Don’t dismiss the idea out of hand but don’t believe it will be the answer to all your problems either.

Many people obtain psychiatric prescriptions from their primary care doctor. If you are thinking of starting a psychiatric medication I would strongly urge you, at least initially, to have a medication evaluation with a psychiatrist – especially if you aren’t in therapy. A psychiatrist is specifically trained in psychiatric medications and may know more up to date studies and have more experience with side effects etc. of the medicine because it is all they do all day long.

Questions to ask yourself and your doctor
• What are my goals with this medication? What am I thinking will be the results? Have I tried other interventions? (For example – therapy, meditation, yoga, support groups, spiritual group, educational programs etc.)

• Are my symptoms unmanageable without medication? (For example if you have hallucinations or depression where you aren’t leaving your house or have suicidal ideation.)

• If you are considering giving your child psychiatric medication ask yourself – what am I hoping will happen? What will be the benefits for my child? Is this medication being given to assist the adults in his or her life or to benefit the child? Have I really tried alternate interventions?

• What are the side effects? Do the side effects dissipate over time?

• How long until I feel any different?

• What kind of physical changes might I feel?

• Will the medication interact with any of my other medications or affect any of my other medical conditions?

• How is this medication monitored? Some medications require periodic labs to measure the level of medication in your system?

• How long will I be on this medication? Is this a medication I will be taking forever?

There are many other questions you might consider. It is ok to speak up for yourself and take responsibility for making the best informed decision for you. Talk to your physician or mental health professional about what is best for you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine’s Day has different meanings for different individuals. Some individuals even use the day as a measure of their merit. As in - I have a partner so I am worthy. You are worthy if you have a partner or not. You are unique and important and loved. In my favorite musical of all time -"Into the Woods"- there is a whole theme of how no one is alone. Think about all the connections in your life and celebrate them.

Then take some time and celebrate yourself. Love and cherish you. Accept that you are not perfect and that many days will be a struggle but that it is ok. Take a little time for yourself. Remind yourself that if you have given all your energy, time and emotions to everyone else you will drain yourself and eventually not have anything left to give anyone.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Communication Tip

A lot of problems in our relationships with partners, friends and family – come from miscommunication and misunderstandings.


There are a lot of simple communication tips. One of my favorite tips is pretty basic. “Don’t Exaggerate.” It sounds simple enough. I make it even simpler by suggesting you just take the words “always” and “never” out of your interactions.

How many times have you used the words always or never?

For Example: “You never help me around the house.” “You always are too busy to go out with me.” “You always are so negative about everything.” “You never do what you say you will.”

The words “always” and “never” are seldom true. Tell your partner that he or she never helps you around the house and he or she will come up with at least one time they helped out and the conversation is derailed. “Please help me around the house more by throwing your laundry in the hamper” may be more beneficial. (And hits on another communication rule “be specific”). “I miss spending time with you and would like if we could go out just the two of us sometimes.”

Try taking “always” and “never” out of your relationship vocabulary and see if you notice any difference.

First Post!

I am a therapist with a private practice in West Dundee, IL. This is my necessary first post. : ) My expectations are that I will write a few notes now and then about issues, concerns and thoughts about mental health and daily living. I really enjoy talking about many issues to promote mental well-being and positive relationships in our lives.

My thought for today? I was thinking it is a good idea to remember the adage that the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. If we are predicting what others in our life might do or how they might react – we only have to look at how they’ve behaved in the past and how they have reacted before. It’s kind of like having a crystal ball.

I do believe that we are able to change but we rarely change spontaneously. We might choose to change and work at it, or lose a loved one, or meet someone phenomenal, or enter therapy or get a new job which may precipitate change but there is usually a catalyst for change. The same goes for each of us. We can choose to change and alter our future behavior.