Three Quarters of the Way

I’ve been thinking about friendships and relationships in general.  There is a fine line between letting someone walk all over you and accepting a person for who they are.  I believe I am basically a good friend.  I care about people, am loyal and can make a friend laugh.  However, there are times in the past when I’ve acted badly or hurt a friend.  There are times I’ve reached out to try to mend a friendship and it wasn’t well received.  There are other friends who hang in there all of the time (You know who you are (Karen and Kristin to name two) but other people don’t seem to want to be bothered.

Looking back on some of my friendships that I harmed, I can see that I just didn’t have the skills I needed to mend fences.  I wonder how much richer both my life and some other people’s lives could have been if they took my overtures as they were intended.  I might have learned the skills at that time of how to strengthen a relationship.

How often do you cut people out of your life?  Have you ever seen someone trying to make up with you but for whatever reason you don’t think it is enough.  Maybe you tell yourself that you’ll meet them halfway but they need to work at it.  What would happen if you met the other person three quarters of the way?  Maybe they don’t have the skills necessary to do what you need.  Maybe they really don’t know what to do.  What if you role modeled how to patch up a relationship.  It is normal for people to come and go in our lives but there is such a thing as continuity and having history with someone. 

I just think that if sometimes a person isn’t so rigid or unwilling to give a little more than they think they should, they might benefit from the richness of relationship.  If you are able to do go a bit farther for someone then maybe people will be able to do it for you.

People and relationships are not disposable.  They are often worth going that extra mile.

“If one does not wish bonds broken, one should make them elastic and

thereby strengthen them." ~ Ardant du Picq

A last short note on my forgiveness kick…

“I can forgive, but I cannot forget" is only another way of saying, "I will not forgive."
Forgiveness ought to be like a canceled note--torn in two and burned up so that it never can be shown against one.”    Paul Boese

I agree with this.  This actually may fall under “one of Julie’s annoyances.”

I know you’ve heard it.  I’ve heard it thousands of times.  “I forgive them but I’m not going to forget.”  I’m with the above quote, that not forgetting isn’t forgiveness.  It always seems to me that “not forgetting” is holding the act over the person.  It seems like not forgetting means that it is still there and may be insidiously, quietly hiding resentment.  If a person is in a relationship with someone, it seems like for the relationship to be successful, that there has to be actual forgiveness.  It is hard to believe that having past deeds festering in the back of the mind will be beneficial to a relationship in the future.

Maybe this is why I don’t believe that forgiveness is warranted in every situation.  I can either accept and live with something and forgive or I can’t.  I’m not saying set yourself up to get hurt repeatedly but maybe if that fear is always there in the back of your mind there are other issues to deal with.

I don’t know.  I just think that forgiving is wiping the slate clean and if a part of me is “remembering” then I haven’t really completely forgiven.


“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.” ~ Confucius

Forgiving Ourselves

I'm apparently having a "Julie's Thoughts on Forgiveness Week."  I'm Ok with that.

The other day I posted about forgiving our friends.  Something I see as even more important and so much more difficult is forgiving ourselves.

Not one of us is perfect.  If holding on to rage and resentment to someone who has hurt us is detrimental, then imagine what holding on to rage and resentment towards you is doing to your sense of being. 

How do you forgive yourself? 

1)      Remind yourself that it is OK that you make mistakes.  You are not perfect and weren’t meant to be perfect.  Think about the expectations of yourself.  Are they realistic?  If they aren’t then work on readjusting them.

2)      Feel the emotions.  Feel the regret.  Feel the sadness.  Feel the feelings of inadequacy. Even feel the shame.   Many people avoid feeling.  These feelings don’t go away, they stay with us.  Feel them.  Acknowledge them.  If you do this the intensity will lesson.

3)      Take action.  Is there anything you can do to fix the situation.  Maybe there isn’t something directly you can do but you can choose to do something indirectly too.  (Don’t, though, get caught up in punishing yourself or making yourself do penance.  It will never feel like enough.)  Take any action.  When people take action, they often immediately feel better.

4)      Take whatever lesson you learned or experience you’ve gained and own it.  Try your best to use it in the future.

5)      Remind yourself that you are forgivable.  (You are worthy of forgiveness!)

“If you haven’t forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?”

           
Dolores Huerta.

“As soon as one forgives oneself, it is like taking away a bandage that covered one’s eyes.  When the bandage is gone, then one can see that the ones that love us have already forgiven us long ago and still there loving us.”     Juan Cavallo

Friends and Forgiveness

Or... Random ramblings on another quote. 

"We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends." Sir Francis Bacon

This quote caught my attention.  Not so much the part about forgiving our enemies, because even though I fully believe resentment and anger can slowly kill our soul, I don’t know if it is always a good idea to encourage people to forgive those who may have egregiously hurt them.  I think it is more important to process and figure out how to not let someone else’s actions eat us up inside and how to not get lost in anger toward someone.  What is important is not letting rage, anger or resentment consume you so you become that unhappy, angry person.

The part of the quote that did catch my attention is the part of forgiving our friends.  This is the area I see people struggling with a lot.  Friends sometimes disappoint us.  I see so many people cut friends out of their lives over something that in the big picture is probably not that important.  I don’t believe that people should keep others who are constantly disrespecting or not valuing them in their lives but our friends our only human. 

Our friends have bad days and make stupid decisions and may say hurtful things.  For many, it seems easier sometimes to just let go of a friendship then trying to reconcile and work it out.  The reconciling part is always a little uncomfortable.  I wonder if many people’s aversion to uncomfortable feelings allows them to throw away a friendship rather than feel the yucky feelings of figuring it out.  I’m as guilty as the next person.  I look back at my life and there is a friendship or two that I wish I had taken the time to reconcile and nurture.  My life would be richer with those people in it.

 

Friends (and people in general) aren’t disposable.  Some might argue that so much in life and our families are difficult and that friendships should be easy.  I think any relationship - friends or others - take time and work and ultimately are worth it.  I am eternally grateful that my best friend has seen clear to forgive me over the years.  I would be a much poorer person if she wasn’t in my life (as, I believe, I add something to her life.)  Next time a friend disappoints or irritates you, take a moment and ask yourself if this is a relationship worth saving.  Ask yourself if you are throwing something away too quickly.  Ask yourself if you get over the awkwardness or disappointment if you will miss this person in your life.  You are worth having substantial relationships.  (I’m adding that statement because life gets in the way and people seem to forget they can have multiple people in their lives.)  Give forgiving your friends a try.

If one by one we counted people out

For the least sin, it wouldn't take us long

To get so we had no one left to live with.

For to be social is to be forgiving.

Mahatma Gandhi

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.” Alexa Young

What will it take to forgive yourself for the mistakes in your past? What needs to happen for you to let go of all of the actions or failure to acts in your past? Often we can forgive others for wrongs towards us but struggle with our own actions. Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Review the past and the items that stay with you or cause self- doubt or dislike. Allow yourself to feel the feelings associated with that event and then consciously try to let go.

We all know we can’t change the past but sometimes we keep trying. Start today. If you need to make amends or take some action to move on – take it now and move forward. It is OK to forgive yourself for that which you cannot change. Start right now.