Teen Dating Rules

I was quoted in this article on this local article about Teen Dating Rules.  It was one of those times when I thought up all sorts of great tips after I finished the conversation.  I know you all have been there.  I would have probably said more about social media.  How it is important to monitor your kids use of social media but don't become all wrapped up in your kids Facebook page.  For example, don't respond to your child's friends, don't take up battle against another kid because you think they've hurt yours by a comment.  Don't make it become more important to you then it even is to them.  Your perception and your child's might be very different so if you are concerned - Talk to them and model appropriate responses.

I think my parenting advice generally boils down to this.  Trust your instincts.  Put out all the background noise, all the advice (except mine of course - whoops -even mine.) and do what you believe is right.  You know your child better than anyone else.  Trust this.  If your gut is telling you to do something, do it.  If your gut is telling you something is wrong (even if you don't want to listen,) act on it.  You can do this.  You are the expert.

What is a parent to do on the first day of school.

This is an article by another therapist I thought I'd share.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/8307229/first_day_of_school_for_parents.html?cat=25

Stop Helping!!!!

OK.  I don’t really mean that.  More like – sometimes helping is not really helpful.

I started thinking about this when I was driving the other day. I came upon the aftermath of an accident.  One car looked pretty smashed up but it did look like all the people involved were OK.  A man who did not seem to be part of the accident, stopped his van – blocking part of the road and started directing traffic.  This man obviously wanted to be helpful. I just am not sure it is helpful to stand in the middle of a dangerous intersection, with a blind spot, and direct speeding cars?  (Granted I was a little irritated because he was trying to get me to go somewhere that I wasn’t inclined to go.)  It seemed to me that in his effort to help he was blocking the road, putting himself in danger and putting other drivers in danger.  Maybe there were other ways for him to help such as making sure 911 was called, or checking on the people in the cars or at the very least getting his van OFF the roadway.

People like to help.  Generally, if someone sees another person in pain they want to alleviate the pain.  By doing so they help the person and even ease their own empathic pain they feel for the person.  It is just that sometimes difficulty serves a purposes.    Sometimes “helping” is not helpful.  I run into this almost daily with the dialysis patients I work with.  A staff member feels bad for a patient, wants the patient and themselves to feel better and comes to me and asks me to basically fix a situation.   Often I find fixing the issue isn’t helpful.  Often it is something the patient is able to do for themselves and by doing it for them I am sending the message that they are dependent, that they don't have control of their life, that they can't function.  It is probably more helpful to give them information and tools and support them while they get through it themselves.

People do it for family members and their children all the time.  Fix a problem, help someone avoid a consequence, help someone avoid difficulty.  We want people we care about to be happy but by arranging outcomes we may be hindering that which the person most needs to be successful.  I have been immensely grateful for family and friends who have helped me in times of trouble but there are definitely times where being helped may have actually delayed me from getting where I needed to be.

Before you jump in and help someone and fix their problem – stop and consider.  Ask yourself “is this really going to help.”  Will this make their problem more difficult in the future?  Is there another way to help that doesn’t take power away from them?  Am I helping for me or for them?

Sometimes we hurt and have to struggle to get where we need to be.  Help may not be fixing, maybe help is just being there and being supportive – letting someone not be alone.  I don't want anyone to stop helping - just consider first.

Read the story of the butterfly below for an illustration of when helping may not be helpful.

STORY OF THE BUTTERFLY

Building Rapport (but really prompted by the game LIFE)

If I were to see your kid in therapy, I’d play some games with him or her.  I know the questions that come up from parents.  Why are we paying for him to play games?  How is this helping her?  How is this making our lives easier? 

Playing games with kids, helps build rapport with the child.  Really – do we expect a child to go and share their secrets with a total stranger with whom they have no experience of having had a positive interaction.  I also use games to see how the child is developmentally, how they cope with challenges and losses and interacting with others but mostly to build rapport and start a basis for a therapeutic relationship and later to strengthen that relationship.

It seems so simple – playing with the child to strengthen a bond – but how often are you doing that at home?  The day to day activities of homework and driving to baseball or music lessons and juggling jobs and a million other commitments take its toll.  Sitting down to play a game with your child is probably the last thing you feel up to doing.

Try to plan some time to play a board game with your kids.  Your child – even the ones who vehemently deny it – does want your attention.  Although I think playing board games encourages better interaction and generates more teachable moments even a video game together can encourage rapport.  I tell you – back in the day my brother and I would never have had any bonding moments if it weren’t for playing video games together.

Although I genuinely am glad to promote playing and interacting with your kids to improve your relationship with them, I did have an ulterior motive for this post.

 I have a question about the board game LIFE.

I was playing LIFE the other day and I wondered why, in this time of amazing technological advances that the playing pieces for this game haven’t changed.  The game itself has changed with money amounts updated, careers in IT, and buying SUV’s as options.  But those little cars with the blue and pink pegs seem exactly the same as when I was little.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  You need really good fine motor skills to put them in place and they never stay in and you have loose peg people everywhere.  It just seems like someone, sometime could have invented a cool, new upgrade.  It must just be one of LIFE’s little mysteries.

May is National Photo Month

May is National Photo Month. 

I like photos.  I think it is a throwback to my mom who had (and now I have)  about 50 or more photo albums.  With social media and the digital age it is probably less likely that people have photo albums but it is generally easier to share pictures.  Photos are a snapshot in time which hold our memories.  I don’t think I encourage it enough but I love when clients bring photos – whether a hard copy or on their phone or whatever- to a session to share.  It allows me to get a bit better picture of the client. 

 Below is a link to one of the worksheets I occasionally use to encourage the sharing of photos.

Family Snapshot Worksheet

Middle School Transition Group

Middle School seems to be such a rough time for so many kids.  There are more demands of homework, other kids sometimes seem meaner, everything is in flux.  Parents worry about the anxiety their children have and sometimes the trouble they have connecting positively with other kids and even bullying. 

This upcoming summer I am offering a Middle School Transition Group on Friday Mornings.  For information on the group and the topics touched on go to Middle School Transitions Group.

Please contact me with any questions or for more informatin.  I look forward to working with you.

April is...

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.  I can’t believe I almost forget this important month awareness.  Having worked in child welfare for 17 years I know that sometimes children are overlooked in the big picture.  Let’s do what we can to keep children safe and support parents and strengthen families. 

For more information, tips and activities visit Child Abuse Prevention.

Parenting Teens

Teen Behavior

Often one of the many struggles parents have is recognizing what is normal teen behavior verse teen behavior they should cause them worry.


What is normal? Has your teen begun giving you one word answers to any questions you ask? Does your teen seem to text an unbelievable amount? Are you wishing you could sleep as much as your teen? Are their friends the highest priority in their life now? Is your teen always irritable? Does it seem like your child is involved with a soap opera because he or she is so emotional, always a huge crisis and their world will soon end if it doesn’t work out.

All the above – normal behavior.

What should you worry about? Worry if your child seems to be involved with drugs and alcohol. Are there brushes with police involvement? Question if your child seems to have completely changed their friends. Peers really are a huge influence on teens and if your teen’s friends are into risky behavior it will be easy for your teen to fall into the same behavior. Meet your child’s friends. Yes, it may embarrass your youth but it is a huge red flag if you are never able to interact even minimally with your child’s friends. Is there a sudden drastic change of personality such as being excessively secretive or skipping school? Look a little deeper if you start catching them in lies – what are they doing that they can’t tell you?


Trust your gut – if something really feels off – it probably is.

Any hope? Well they will grow into adults eventually. Teens are supposed to be individuating themselves from their parents and they are clarifying their identities. There are still going to be good times and family togetherness but you did your job well if your youth is trying to be independent.


What should you do? Know your kid’s friends. Pick your battles. Say yes whenever you can. Be reasonable. Stay involved. One of the hardest tasks of being a parent is being able to be hated for short periods of time. Do your best not to personalize all the irritation thrown at you.