Suicide

I was touched while reading the words of the parents of actor Andrew Koenig who was found dead from suicide. Their words have so much wisdom and I am grateful that they shared them with the world.

His mother, Judy Koenig said that Andrew Koenig Andrew Koenig had many people who loved him, but "in his pain, he didn't realize it was available to him," she said. Judy Koenig

His father said, "If you're one of those people who can't handle it anymore, you know, if you can learn anything from this, there are people out there who really care. "You may not think so and ultimately it may not be enough, but there are people who really care."
Families of those who are troubled should not ignore the warning signs, he said. "Don't ignore it, don't rationalize it," he said. Walter Koenig

(Both quotes from http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/25/growing.pains.actor.dead/index.html?hpt=Sbin )

If you are not in the situation of pain it is hard to understand why someone would take their life. In that place of pain you may intellectually know there are people who care and there is help out there but the emotional connection and finding hope is so much more difficult. If you have never been in the situation where you can’t find the hope to go one, you are blessed. Mental Illness, Depression and despair are real. Believe people when they say they can’t go on. Let those in your life know you love them. I always think that if people could wait a beat or two or get to the next day they might be able to find the strength to go on. If you are in that place of pain look for that reserve in you to ask someone for help.



The Suicide Prevention Life also has a list of suicide warning signs on their home page.

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.” Alexa Young

What will it take to forgive yourself for the mistakes in your past? What needs to happen for you to let go of all of the actions or failure to acts in your past? Often we can forgive others for wrongs towards us but struggle with our own actions. Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you keep making the same mistakes over and over again? Review the past and the items that stay with you or cause self- doubt or dislike. Allow yourself to feel the feelings associated with that event and then consciously try to let go.

We all know we can’t change the past but sometimes we keep trying. Start today. If you need to make amends or take some action to move on – take it now and move forward. It is OK to forgive yourself for that which you cannot change. Start right now.

For Women

Someone posted this song and video on a listserv I lurk on and it resonated with me. I couldn't choose between these two versions so you get them both.










Women often sell themselves short. A woman may have ideals in her head based on societal, familial and personal expectations. Often the expectations are unrealistic yet we beat ourselves up for not meeting this ideal. A woman may grieve lost youth and opportunities. It is more beneficial to embrace our age and the wisdom and experience that comes with it. There is such power in the knowledge that gain as we grow older. Use your wisdom and grace and live in the moment. There is time to take chances, fulfill your hopes and work toward your dreams. Love and take care of yourself. Love and take care of your family and friends. Respect others and do your best not to cause harm. Honor who you are. You are enough.

Strengths (You do have them!)

Strengths
How many social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The light bulb isn’t burned out it is just lit differently.

Although there are several answers to the above joke, this answer illustrates that Social Workers are noted for being able to find strengths in any person. I have worked in social services for about 18 years and I have never come across an instance I couldn’t find some strength to write about a person.
There are always options. The person is…

~resilient ~loves their family ~hard worker~ willing to attend sessions ~ open to new ideas
~ good sense of humor ~caring ~ smart ~ creative~ full of hope


I know that if I have a little time with a person I can list strengths for virtually every single individual I meet. If I asked you to evaluate people you know – even people you don’t like – you could probably come up with positives for everyone. So why is it, that during my assessment process, when I ask “what are some strengths you have” – there is almost always complete silence. I’ll even give more explanation and say “maybe a personality trait you like about yourself or a role in your life you think you do well or something that you enjoy…” With prompting people will usually come up with 1 or 2 positive characteristics (accompanied by a nervous laugh or stated as a question) but people often seem so uncomfortable stating anything positive in reference to his or her self. If I asked most people to list strengths about any member of their family, he or she would give me a litany of the good traits. Usually, even when individuals say something negative about a family member they slip in a positive.

Stating what is awesome about you and believing that you have strengths is not conceited. You have strengths – that is just true. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t see it as a strength. You know yourself. Tout your own horn.

Right now try to think of 5 strengths you have. Is it easy? Is it difficult? Strengths don’t have to be big and grand. You make a phenomenal spinach-artichoke dip – that’s a strength. It is so easy to get bogged down in what we don’t like about ourselves and what we do wrong that we forget there is this whole delightful side to each of us. We often automatically have lots of negative self talk. When you hear that negative voice in your head try stopping it and yourself permission to like yourself, recognize your wonderfulness and be proud of your strengths.

To Take or Not To Take Psychiatric Medications

I lurk on a site of mental health professionals. Sometimes the conversation steers towards psychiatric medications (for example medication that assists with depression, anxiety or delusions among other symptoms.)
While most therapists seem to take situations on a case to case basis, the discussion of the use of medications often brings out a polarity in a few therapists. A few will say medication is never ok and some seem to believe that medication is the answer to all that ails you.

My personal belief is that everyone should be individually assessed to see if medication is appropriate. I do believe that psychiatric medication is overused in the United States. Sometimes you just might be sad or angry. Sometimes you might be going through a rough time. Humans are emotional beings and it is ok to have emotions without necessarily needing medication. Part of being human is sometimes feeling bad or frustrated or even a little out of control of situations sometimes.

Conversely, I firmly believe there are situations where psychiatric medication makes the difference from living a life of unmanageable anxiety, fear, or depression to having a manageable, content life.
It seems like it would beneficial to think carefully about taking psychiatric medication. Don’t dismiss the idea out of hand but don’t believe it will be the answer to all your problems either.

Many people obtain psychiatric prescriptions from their primary care doctor. If you are thinking of starting a psychiatric medication I would strongly urge you, at least initially, to have a medication evaluation with a psychiatrist – especially if you aren’t in therapy. A psychiatrist is specifically trained in psychiatric medications and may know more up to date studies and have more experience with side effects etc. of the medicine because it is all they do all day long.

Questions to ask yourself and your doctor
• What are my goals with this medication? What am I thinking will be the results? Have I tried other interventions? (For example – therapy, meditation, yoga, support groups, spiritual group, educational programs etc.)

• Are my symptoms unmanageable without medication? (For example if you have hallucinations or depression where you aren’t leaving your house or have suicidal ideation.)

• If you are considering giving your child psychiatric medication ask yourself – what am I hoping will happen? What will be the benefits for my child? Is this medication being given to assist the adults in his or her life or to benefit the child? Have I really tried alternate interventions?

• What are the side effects? Do the side effects dissipate over time?

• How long until I feel any different?

• What kind of physical changes might I feel?

• Will the medication interact with any of my other medications or affect any of my other medical conditions?

• How is this medication monitored? Some medications require periodic labs to measure the level of medication in your system?

• How long will I be on this medication? Is this a medication I will be taking forever?

There are many other questions you might consider. It is ok to speak up for yourself and take responsibility for making the best informed decision for you. Talk to your physician or mental health professional about what is best for you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine’s Day has different meanings for different individuals. Some individuals even use the day as a measure of their merit. As in - I have a partner so I am worthy. You are worthy if you have a partner or not. You are unique and important and loved. In my favorite musical of all time -"Into the Woods"- there is a whole theme of how no one is alone. Think about all the connections in your life and celebrate them.

Then take some time and celebrate yourself. Love and cherish you. Accept that you are not perfect and that many days will be a struggle but that it is ok. Take a little time for yourself. Remind yourself that if you have given all your energy, time and emotions to everyone else you will drain yourself and eventually not have anything left to give anyone.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Communication Tip

A lot of problems in our relationships with partners, friends and family – come from miscommunication and misunderstandings.


There are a lot of simple communication tips. One of my favorite tips is pretty basic. “Don’t Exaggerate.” It sounds simple enough. I make it even simpler by suggesting you just take the words “always” and “never” out of your interactions.

How many times have you used the words always or never?

For Example: “You never help me around the house.” “You always are too busy to go out with me.” “You always are so negative about everything.” “You never do what you say you will.”

The words “always” and “never” are seldom true. Tell your partner that he or she never helps you around the house and he or she will come up with at least one time they helped out and the conversation is derailed. “Please help me around the house more by throwing your laundry in the hamper” may be more beneficial. (And hits on another communication rule “be specific”). “I miss spending time with you and would like if we could go out just the two of us sometimes.”

Try taking “always” and “never” out of your relationship vocabulary and see if you notice any difference.

First Post!

I am a therapist with a private practice in West Dundee, IL. This is my necessary first post. : ) My expectations are that I will write a few notes now and then about issues, concerns and thoughts about mental health and daily living. I really enjoy talking about many issues to promote mental well-being and positive relationships in our lives.

My thought for today? I was thinking it is a good idea to remember the adage that the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. If we are predicting what others in our life might do or how they might react – we only have to look at how they’ve behaved in the past and how they have reacted before. It’s kind of like having a crystal ball.

I do believe that we are able to change but we rarely change spontaneously. We might choose to change and work at it, or lose a loved one, or meet someone phenomenal, or enter therapy or get a new job which may precipitate change but there is usually a catalyst for change. The same goes for each of us. We can choose to change and alter our future behavior.