Hope - Not a 4 letter word!

I’ve been reading a couple of articles lately that state hope is paralyzing.  They basically say give up on hope and take action.  These articles seem to equate having hope as being helpless.  There seems to be this idea if you have hope than you live in Never Never land and don’t get reality.  I’ve read hope doesn’t create change, it allows people to let other people do the work for them. I’ve heard many people talk of hope with disdain.  I don’t get it.

If one does not have hope, they are hopeless.  (A synonym for hopeless is despair.) I imagine if someone is hopeless then they are stuck, unable to move.  If a person can’t picture a better tomorrow then what motivation do they have to make changes?  If a person can’t believe that their situation may improve or that they will have the strength to get through this difficulty– how can they possibly move forward. It seems more logical to me that people would get stuck in despair not hope.   

When I was young, I was given advice on parenting that basically said if you have taken everything away from the child and there is no way for the child to earn back or even see a time where they wouldn’t be under restriction – they have no reason to even try to follow rules or be agreeable.  I think this illustrates my belief about hopelessness.  If someone has no hope it would be easy to say “why bother keep going.”  (Random side note:  I also don’t believe there is such a thing as false hope but that is for another post for someday. J )

Even in situations that seem hopeless - like a loved one dying of cancer or losing your home or a relationship breakup, having hope can make a difference.  If I can believe I will be able to handle the situation, that I can grieve and be OK again or that there are many more opportunities for me then I can keep going.

I believe that part of my job is to help people stay hopeful (hence my tag line “helping you hold hope”.)   I figure I can picture the other outcomes for you until you can do it yourself.  Having hope doesn’t mean you believe that money will fall from the sky or that everything in your life will magically be amazing.  Having hope means you know there is a purpose for you.  Having hope means that today and tomorrow are worth it.  Having hope gives you reason to keep going and experience life fully.  There is no contest; I would rather a world with hope any day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  One day we set aside to be thankful.  I know we should be grateful each day but it is kind of awesome there is one day to just sit back and say thanks.  I enjoy the family and traditions and desire to include everyone in some way.  Some quotes on gratitude below.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. William Arthur Ward

Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse. Henry Van Dyke

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!

Benefit of the Doubt

I was talking to a current supervisor of mine the other day.  I had worked with her years earlier at another workplace.  It wasn’t the ideal work situation and I felt very uncomfortable from day one.  I struggled to engage others and since my job was completely different than everyone else, it was somewhat hard to feel like I belonged. 

My initial overtures were met with roadblocks so I tried to find a way to cope.

One of the ways I coped was to make sure I had my Ipod with me and I would listen to music while doing paperwork or when I was by myself to distract me from anxiety and that awkward feeling.  Even though it was never an ideal workplace I stuck with it and eventually I struck some kind of balance with getting to know and getting along with others.  As I became more comfortable I didn’t carry my ipod (although I always had it playing in my office – still do come to think about it) and interacted more with everyone.

My current supervisor was telling me that she and another worker thought I was so unfriendly (which honestly is not a word used to describe me much) and that I thought I was better than them because I would sit and listen to my music rather than be open for people to interact with me. 

I wonder how often people make judgments – believing the worst about people – rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt.   I felt uncomfortable, not unfriendly and didn’t feel welcome – not thinking I was better than my coworkers.  It seems like they were unsure about me and had a negative experience with the past person in my position so they also assumed the worst about me.  How much smoother my transitions into the job have gone if all of us had given the other the benefit of the doubt?  It seems like a wasted opportunity because if initial if we had believed the best intentions from the other person the relationship may have been much more positive.

There are situations where you shouldn’t give the benefit of the doubt such as harm or victimization of another but in everyday scenarios why don’t we believe the best about others.

It is so easy to apply our own insecurities and concerns onto other’s behaviors.  We filter their behavior through our expectations.  Next time you are interpreting someone’s behaviors, consider giving them the benefit of the doubt and see how much better the situation may go.

Random Musings on Bystanding

See no evil?  Once I was at a training on domestic violence and child abuse.  The speaker was illustrating some cases, that in hindsight, it seemed very obvious that there was a miscarriage of justice.  Reasons why the court had reluctance to find the perpetrator guilty or assign significant consequences were discussed.  The reason that stood out for me is that if the judge or juries are healthy, caring individuals it may be hard for them to imagine that someone could do such things to child.  For example, a judge might be abhorred to even consider having a sexual thought about his granddaughter so it is difficult to believe the upstanding, gentleman not only has them but acts on those sexual feelings.  I don’t know.  Is that it?  Are we bystanders because it is hard for us to believe the cruelty people may have for another.

Do people not act because we believe it is none of our business?  Do we think we don’t know the whole story so we just let it go?

Are we afraid of the time it may take if we step up.

 Are people afraid of being judged themselves so they don’t act?  Do we know we do things that people might judge so we don’t want to jump to conclusions?

Are our priorities just screwed up?  Is money, or avoiding conflict or a football program as the case may be more important that the safety and well-being of others?  Do we just not know what to do so we do nothing? 
 
Some of my thoughts were prompted from the Penn State issues last week.  A couple of links talking about this subject are

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/11/fifteen-adults-knew-about-child-sexual-assaults-at-penn-state-and-did-not-act

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/10/preventing-and-reporting-child-abuse-the-questions-raised-by-the-penn-state-scandal  


I don’t have answers.  When to step in and when to bystand is something each of us answers on our own time and in our own way.  I just know I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t step in because of fear or because it would just be too much trouble.

One of Julie's Annoyances

As much as I preach joy and say “it is what it is”, as much as I believe acceptance of ourselves and others is a necessity and really believe to let go of that which I can’t change - sometimes I struggle with being OK with things I find annoying.  I thought I could occasionally share my pet peeves so to say and show where I struggle.

For example, I do not understand why, when I am driving down a road and there are absolutely no cars behind me, so many drivers pull out right in front of me.  I ask out loud “Why are you doing that?”  Why can’t an individual just wait the extra 4 seconds?  I’d understand if there was a never ending stream of cars but it seems to happen when it is way wide open behind me.  I really, really don’t get it. (And it really, really annoys me.)   I know it is something I can’t change (although if you are one who does this and are reading this - please stop.) 

I would be better off accepting that people will turn in front of me for no apparent reason.  Getting irritated doesn’t change the circumstance and doesn’t get me where I am going faster.  Maybe it is the world trying to teach me understanding or patience.  (That would be a great reframe if I could get myself to buy into it.) 

I’ll keep working on it. 

Mindfulness, Mortification and Memories

I was recently able to go on a trip to Orlando, Florida for my cousin’s wedding celebration.  It was a good time to connect and enjoy those that are important in my life.
(And who knew Mickey and Minnie would come to the reception.)  These are my random thoughts on mindfulness, mortification and memories.

Mindfulness

Wedding preparations started months earlier.  Talk of plane tickets and places to stay and what to where have been forefront for quite awhile.  Finally the time for the trip arrived.  I heard from several people the statement “It will be over before you know it.”  There was a lot of anticipation and a lot of activities once in Florida.  The
worry with this situation is that there is so much to do in such a
short amount of time it is possible to forget about actually enjoying
the moments.  I wanted to avoid it being “over before I know it” and forgetting to enjoy my trip.  Trying to practice what I preached I made sure I took
moments to just be.  I looked off the 18th floor balcony overlooking
Epcot Center and Downtown Disney, feeling the wind, hearing the
background noises and enjoying the view.  When I was getting bored in
a ride, I would try to stop and focus on the ride, who I was with, and
what was being said – not thinking about the rest of the trip.  At the
wedding and reception I tried to focus on enjoying myself in each
moment whether it was the beauty of the vows, or the rhythm of dancing
or photos being taken or who I was talking to and not when I’d get sleep, or when I needed to get to the airport or how much money I spent.   Taking time and effort to be
mindful helped the vacation be much more meaningful and relaxing than
it may have been if I was task or worry oriented.

Mortification
I also had a mortifying experience during my trip.  Yes, I am sharing
it with everyone out there.  I was on Mission Space (or something) at
Epcot Center and did not follow the instructions.  Yep, I  closed my eyes and felt very disoriented.  (Reminder to self:  Sometimes rules are there for a reason.)  I became nauseous and yes I actually got sick on the ride.  For a
grown woman this is beyond mortifying.  You know what though?  I lived
through it.  Sometimes it is necessary to be reminded that each of us
has the ability to live through awkward, embarrassing or anxiety filled moments.

My 10 year old cousin offered the statement “Don’t worry Julie.
Sometimes things happen in life.  It is OK.”  Nice wisdom and compassion from him. (Of course the second his oldest brother got in the van he said “Hey,
Julie threw up on the ride!)

Sometimes when something happens that mortifies you remember how you
handle it says a lot.  You can live through it.  You will be OK.  You will not be forever marked.  You can be a role model for others.  You teach your kids that bad things happen but you can make it through.  Embarrassment is not the end of the world.  A mortifying moment is not a catastrophe.

Memories
Memories are part of our identity.  They help us with meaning.  They can
be a source of joy and contentment.  All the situations from this trip will be
cherished memories that will remind me of who I am and can be shared
with those I am close to.  I am sure sometime in my future someone in
my family will jokingly ask if I’ll be able to handle going on a
Merry-go-Round or something.  I’ll remember the weather and laughing
or worrying with friends.  The memories help me be who I am.  What
jokes does your family share year after year.  Which memories are the
most precious to you?

I am grateful for being able to practice mindfulness, live through the mortification and cherish my memories from the trip.

Tips for Men - Coping with the break-up

I created a short ezine article - Tips for Men Coping with the Break-up. 
See what you think!


http://ezinearticles.com/?Tips-for-Men---After-the-Breakup&id=6668947