RANDOM QUOTE

" Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi




Thursday, July 28, 2011

Stop Helping!!!!

OK.  I don’t really mean that.  More like – sometimes helping is not really helpful.

I started thinking about this when I was driving the other day. I came upon the aftermath of an accident.  One car looked pretty smashed up but it did look like all the people involved were OK.  A man who did not seem to be part of the accident, stopped his van – blocking part of the road and started directing traffic.  This man obviously wanted to be helpful. I just am not sure it is helpful to stand in the middle of a dangerous intersection, with a blind spot, and direct speeding cars?  (Granted I was a little irritated because he was trying to get me to go somewhere that I wasn’t inclined to go.)  It seemed to me that in his effort to help he was blocking the road, putting himself in danger and putting other drivers in danger.  Maybe there were other ways for him to help such as making sure 911 was called, or checking on the people in the cars or at the very least getting his van OFF the roadway.

People like to help.  Generally, if someone sees another person in pain they want to alleviate the pain.  By doing so they help the person and even ease their own empathic pain they feel for the person.  It is just that sometimes difficulty serves a purposes.    Sometimes “helping” is not helpful.  I run into this almost daily with the dialysis patients I work with.  A staff member feels bad for a patient, wants the patient and themselves to feel better and comes to me and asks me to basically fix a situation.   Often I find fixing the issue isn’t helpful.  Often it is something the patient is able to do for themselves and by doing it for them I am sending the message that they are dependent, that they don't have control of their life, that they can't function.  It is probably more helpful to give them information and tools and support them while they get through it themselves.

People do it for family members and their children all the time.  Fix a problem, help someone avoid a consequence, help someone avoid difficulty.  We want people we care about to be happy but by arranging outcomes we may be hindering that which the person most needs to be successful.  I have been immensely grateful for family and friends who have helped me in times of trouble but there are definitely times where being helped may have actually delayed me from getting where I needed to be.

Before you jump in and help someone and fix their problem – stop and consider.  Ask yourself “is this really going to help.”  Will this make their problem more difficult in the future?  Is there another way to help that doesn’t take power away from them?  Am I helping for me or for them?

Sometimes we hurt and have to struggle to get where we need to be.  Help may not be fixing, maybe help is just being there and being supportive – letting someone not be alone.  I don't want anyone to stop helping - just consider first.

Read the story of the butterfly below for an illustration of when helping may not be helpful.


STORY OF THE BUTTERFLY

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Love


“Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." ~unknown
I have often been drawn to this quote.  People are imperfect.  People disappoint and irritate.  People will let us down sometimes.  Even people who are ‘supposed’ to love you the most may fall short.

I strongly believe that we do not have to earn love.  I believe people are worthy of love and respect just because they are human.  Love isn’t earned, it just is. 

However, I know it is also complicated.

There is something about this quote which gets me thinking about accepting people for who they are and where they are at with their own journeys.    I don’t think a person has to put up with being treated disrespectfully or not have their needs met in relationships with significant others, children, family or friends.  It is just that people are often a bit broken in places. 

Maybe we are better off if we assume that people are putting their best heart forward.  Maybe someone who loves us doesn’t have the tools necessary to love us like we want. Maybe we can at least acknowledge that someone is trying with all they have even if it isn’t enough or even if it is a relationship we can’t stay in.

This quote pulls my thoughts to parents and children and the family with whom we are biological related.  It gets me thinking about people with mental illness or addictions or other issues that may get in the way of completely loving.

I like the idea of giving the benefit of the doubt (even while taking care of ourselves.) 

What would happen if we could accept that someone may not love up to our expectations and honor that they are loving with all they have? 

Saturday, July 16, 2011

July 16th is...

July 16th – Toss away the “could haves” and “should haves” day!

            Exactly this!   I don’t know how many times I say to people (clients, friends, neighbors, strangers – whoever) try to take “should” out of your vocabulary.  How many roadblocks do we put up in our own lives by trying to live up to “shoulds” that we constructed ourselves.

(July 16th is also my aunt and uncle's anniversary.  Random sharing with the world.)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Moments of Clarity


“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.  It works not because it settles the question for you but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for”  ~unknown
Yes! Yes! Yes!  Has this ever happened to you?  I (and many others also) call it a moment of clarity.  Sometimes all I get is just that one moment when the answer seems so clear.  That this is path I need to follow.  You know what I’m talking about.  It is that instant when you are so sure of a course of action and everything falls together.  Unfortunately, sometimes it only lasts a moment. 

My hope is that I can keep and hold onto that moment and not let all the other stuff get in the way.  Have you ever had a moment of clarity and then self doubt intrudes?  I might say “I know this is the best choice for me” but then I put up barriers.  I don’t have the money.  I don’t have the time.  I don’t have the ability.  What will people think?  It will take too long.  It just isn’t the right time –later I can do it.

All the doubt and barriers I erect obscure that clearness of the moment and then I question if I ever even had it.

How much have I missed by not grabbing onto the information I found in that moment?  How many better choices may I have made if I just believed in that moment?  How much have you missed by not stomping down that doubt and not just doing what you saw in that moment of clarity.

Next time it happens.  Stop.  Listen.  Believe. Go with it.  See what a difference it can make. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

July is also...

Nectarine and Garlic Month

            The CDC encourages eating fruits and vegetables and actually spotlights a couple each month.  Who knew?  (I know I ask that a lot but really the things I learn every day.  It is amazing how much I don’t know!  J) July is Nectarine and Garlic month.  (I am assuming not together)  I am sure some fantastic chef could make a dish using Nectarine and Garlic but not me.

http://www.fruitsandveggiesmatter.gov/month/index.html

Friday, July 8, 2011

I’ve read this fable in several different forms.  Sometimes it originates in South America, sometimes Africa, sometimes India.  I was struck by this story because it seems like often people’s issues have to do with holding on so tight to a comfortable situation or idea that there is so much opportunity missed.

The Monkey’s Dilemma
Long ago, in the dark jungles of South America, a clever old tribesman experimented with new methods of trapping monkeys. Because the tribe had only blowguns and tiny bows with which to hunt, monkeys were rarely taken, and monkey meat was greatly prized by the villagers. The clever hunter decided, first, to lure monkeys to a clearing where the hunter could fell them with a well placed blow dart.
From past experience, the hunter knew that monkeys were remarkably fond of peanuts, so he brought a small pile of peanuts and placed it in the center of the clearing. After many hours of waiting, a monkey finally broke from the cover of the trees, grabbed the pile of peanuts and raced off into the woods before the hunter could shoot. The hunter disappointed, returned to his village and began pondering ways to get the monkey to linger in the clearing for a moment or two; just long enough to give the hunter a chance to aim and shoot.
The next day, the hunter returned to the clearing with a knife and an awl. He found the largest tree bordering the clearing and carved a hole deep into the trunk. When he finally completed his task, the hole extended several inches into the tree trunk, then opened up into a small cavity that would hold the peanuts. The hunter's hand was too big to reach in, so he pushed a handful of peanuts into the hole with a stick and retreated behind some bushes to await his prey. Sometime later, the aroma of the peanuts was too much for a passing monkey to bear. The monkey jumped into the clearing and raced over to the tree. Without pause, he slipped his hand into the hole and seized the peanuts. The hunter steadied his shot, but then hesitated when the monkey simply stood before the tree trunk, apparently stuck. When the monkey pulled and jerked violently on his arm, it became clear to the hunter how the monkey must have become stuck. While the hole in the tree trunk was big enough for the monkey to slip his empty hand in, it wasn't wide enough for the monkey to remove a fist—full of peanuts. The monkey was unwilling to let go of his handful of peanuts, but unless he did, he would never be able to get his hand out of the hole in the tree.
The hunter watched in amazement and decided not to kill the monkey right away. Instead, his uncommon curiosity took hold and he decided to see just how stubbornly the monkey would hold on to those peanuts. So, the hunter set down his blowgun and stepped out of his brush blind and into the clearing. The monkey immediately saw the hunter and went berserk with panic. He screeched and yanked on his arm all the more furiously, but still refused to free his grip on the peanuts. The hunter took one step toward the monkey and then another. The closer the hunter stepped, the more frantic the monkey became. His screeches were almost unbearable. At last, the hunter stood just out of arm's reach of the monkey, and yet the monkey refused to release the handful of peanuts. All around the tree, the ground was torn and tossed due to the monkeys maniacal flailing. And yet, the monkey would not to let go of the peanuts. Like the winds of a spent hurricane, the monkey eventually tired and his panic subsided. As the hunter sat nearby, the monkey stared at him with a look of sullen surrender. The hunter began to wonder, ”What would it take to get this monkey to release his grip on the peanuts and free himself?” He was sure that the monkey could get loose if only he would let go of the peanuts and withdraw his hand.
The hunter decided to test the monkeys stubborn commitment to the peanuts, so he brought over another pile of peanuts and placed them just out of reach of the monkey. At first, the monkey made no attempt to grab the peanuts, as he was still terrified by the presence of the hunter. But, after a while, the monkey started straining, pulling at his arm and reaching for the new pile of peanuts. But, never did the monkey allow his grip on the peanuts in the hole to loosen. He held them ever tighter as he pulled to wrench free.
As dusk approached, the hunter knew that he must soon return to his village. After watching the pathetic monkey for hours, the hunter had become somewhat sickened by the monkey's self-destructive and foolish behavior. The will to kill the monkey had gone out of the hunter; but he could do nothing to release the monkey from his grip on the peanuts. If he approached the monkey too closely, the monkey would surely scratch and bite him in fear. And, even if he could get close enough, there was no way
to release the monkeys grip and remove his arm. Disgusted and at his wit's end, the hunter walked home in the failing light.
For a several days, the hunter dreamed of ways to free the monkey from the peanut trap. He hoped that the monkey might fall asleep and unwittingly free himself. If not, the hunter might have to try drastic measures.
Several days later, the hunter entered the clearing to find the monkey, tired and defeated, still locked on to the peanuts in the hole of the tree trunk. The monkey had become gaunt and the hunter could see him deteriorating physically. The monkey looked at the hunter with despondent resignation, but never did the monkey seem to consider the possibility of releasing the peanuts.
The monkey dangled from his worn and bleeding arm, obviously ailing from the strain of capture. The hunter wondered about the monkey's fist and the peanuts buried in the hole. After days in the tree trunk and with the humid heat of the jungle, the hunter imagined the once-—fresh peanuts
slowly growing mold and spoiling in the monkey's sweaty grip. The hunter pictured the open sores and wounds that the monkey had, no doubt, inflicted on his arm and hand as he had struggled to get free the day before.
The hunter walked to a place just beyond the monkey's reach and opened up a huge basket he had prepared that morning before departing the village. One item at a time, the hunter pulled out delicious, steaming dishes of rice, meat and fruit. He removed gourds filled with pure spring water and bowls with piping hot tea. The hunter laid them all out on the forest floor, like a delicious holiday banquet. The monkey watched the exquisite meal unfold with rapt attention. It was plain to see that the monkey was very hungry and thirsty and he wanted nothing in the world more than to dive into the feast except, he refused to release his moldy peanuts, even for an instant.
When the meal was completely set, the hunter slowly began to eat it himself. The monkey sat back on his haunches and whined a high pitched mewling of misery. But, nothing about the feast, or hunter eating it, could convince the monkey to release the peanuts. It was almost as if the monkey had forgotten why or what he was holding within the tree trunk., but he remained committed nonetheless.
Several days later the hunter once again passed by the monkey trap, hoping that somehow the monkey had freed himself. He was saddened to find the lifeless body of the monkey lying next to the trunk, its hand finally freed from the enslaving hole.
Next to his outstretched arm lay the three moldy peanuts.
- Author Unknown

In therapy I admit I use quotes, stories and even clichés a lot to explain a concept or idea.  However, when I use this story I often get a blank look like it doesn’t resonate so I figured I’d just share it here.
I think fear of the unknown, fear of not making it, fear of not being safe and a hundred other fears brings many people to a dead stop.  People might not grab opportunities or move out of a unhealthy relationship because at least it is comfortable and safe.

I like the part of this version of the story that talks about reaching for other peanuts without letting go of the first peanuts.  Sometimes it is not possible to move ahead and get where we want to be without letting go of something else.  Trying to keep what we already have can hinder us and not allow us to fully commit to our next step.  Hedging our bets can sometimes cause more problems rather than move a person forward. 

As much as I believe people need to learn to recognize and hear their inner voices, sometimes everyone in our lives are pointing us in the right direction and we're just not listening.  People we love or care about are practically putting up a neon sign saying “GO THIS WAY” and we are so afraid to let go of something we pass the signs up like the monkey ignores all of the hunter’s attempts to free himself.
What about this story resonated with you?  What are you struggling to let go of so you can move forward?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Random Thought


“The Work You Do While You Procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life.”   Jessica Hische

This is true for me.  What about you?  Why do we sometimes think it is not OK to do what we love.  It is OK to follow your passion.  It is OK to be happy.  It is OK to be joyful in your work.  It is OK to enjoy the time you spend living.  Just a random thought from me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The voices in our head

I found this cartoon the other day.


I thought about how often people have negative self talk.  Often individuals assume others are thinking the most terrible things about them.  Our voices in our head tell us other people are thinking we are not capable or too fat or not pretty enough or not smart enough or that we can’t possible succeed, that there is just something wrong with us.

What would it take for us to be able to believe the best about ourselves?  What would it take to realize that most people struggle and most people don’t automatically believe the worse about others?  In a recent Pink song (F#*@ Perfect) there is a line “Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead”.  What would motivate you to change the voices in your head to be more positive?

Ask yourself what choices you might make differently if the voices in your head were positive.  What amazing things might you do if didn’t believe others were thinking you don’t measure up?

Try working at changing those voices in your head and see where it leads you.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

July is...

Freedom from Fear of Speaking Month

Of course I noted this.  It goes with my favorite quote!  (Although I am pretty sure it has more to do with speaking in front of people not speaking up but hey - however I want to interpret it.)
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent
about things that matter...”  Martin Luther King Jr.

National Make a Difference To Children Month

            Each and every one of us can make a difference in a child’s life!

Air Condition Appreciation Days from July 3 – August 15th
            Really?  It seems like this would kind of be a given but OK let’s celebrate!
   Speak up.  Speak out.

Friday, July 1, 2011

July 1st is...

July 1st is zip code day – Seriously – I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean.

(Although if you check out my Professional Facebook page you will see I recently learned that zip code is an acronym for “Zone Improvement Plan Code”.)