For Mothers

Eye Candy Designs on Etsy

When I saw this I just wanted every mother to take this heart.  Sure there are things you could do better - would do better if acting on hindsight was possible.  However,  you do a million things perfectly.  Your children are better off because you are their mother and you love them.  Trust yourself.  Love yourself.  You are an amazing mother.

Don't Make Me Have Fun!

This happens to me sometimes.  I am supposed to go out with a friend and I think “I am so tired.  I want to see her but I’d really like to stay home and rest.”  Maybe it is a family party and instead of looking forward to seeing and enjoying everyone, I’m just adding it as one more TASK on my “to do” list.  Maybe I mean to get a massage or my nails done for some self-care but I just don’t think I have the time. 

Hasn’t this happened to you?  Something that ‘should’ be a fun activity seems to turn into this great big commitment and trial.  Excuses from “I have too much to do” to “I need to get stuff done around the house” to “I just need down time on my own” to whatever.  Then either you force yourself to go – with anticipatory dread- and maybe even really enjoy yourself or you make an excuse and don’t go and miss out on the opportunity to enjoy yourself and connect.  Then, even if you planned on some quiet, down time, it doesn’t happen.  You find things to do around the house or feel guilty about not doing anything.  (How many times have you said “I got nothing done!”)

Doesn’t this seem a bit crazy?  Yes, I meant to say crazy.    Somewhere our priorities get a little off skew.  Yes, we need income.  Yes, we need to follow through with commitments and responsibilities.  What about enjoying life?  What about actually looking forward to going out and being with friends and family?

Ideally, we would try to find joy in all that we do but if we are going to dread something – why is it the fun things?

Next time you have something ‘fun’ planned try changing your thinking.  Think about how you enjoy being at family events or going to the art fair or going to a game.  If you start dreading the “fun” activity, question to see if you are setting up the barriers to enjoy yourself.  We benefit from embracing fun.  You have my permission to look forward to fun.  Now, give yourself that permission.

Mindfulness, Mortification and Memories

I was recently able to go on a trip to Orlando, Florida for my cousin’s wedding celebration.  It was a good time to connect and enjoy those that are important in my life.
(And who knew Mickey and Minnie would come to the reception.)  These are my random thoughts on mindfulness, mortification and memories.

Mindfulness

Wedding preparations started months earlier.  Talk of plane tickets and places to stay and what to where have been forefront for quite awhile.  Finally the time for the trip arrived.  I heard from several people the statement “It will be over before you know it.”  There was a lot of anticipation and a lot of activities once in Florida.  The
worry with this situation is that there is so much to do in such a
short amount of time it is possible to forget about actually enjoying
the moments.  I wanted to avoid it being “over before I know it” and forgetting to enjoy my trip.  Trying to practice what I preached I made sure I took
moments to just be.  I looked off the 18th floor balcony overlooking
Epcot Center and Downtown Disney, feeling the wind, hearing the
background noises and enjoying the view.  When I was getting bored in
a ride, I would try to stop and focus on the ride, who I was with, and
what was being said – not thinking about the rest of the trip.  At the
wedding and reception I tried to focus on enjoying myself in each
moment whether it was the beauty of the vows, or the rhythm of dancing
or photos being taken or who I was talking to and not when I’d get sleep, or when I needed to get to the airport or how much money I spent.   Taking time and effort to be
mindful helped the vacation be much more meaningful and relaxing than
it may have been if I was task or worry oriented.

Mortification
I also had a mortifying experience during my trip.  Yes, I am sharing
it with everyone out there.  I was on Mission Space (or something) at
Epcot Center and did not follow the instructions.  Yep, I  closed my eyes and felt very disoriented.  (Reminder to self:  Sometimes rules are there for a reason.)  I became nauseous and yes I actually got sick on the ride.  For a
grown woman this is beyond mortifying.  You know what though?  I lived
through it.  Sometimes it is necessary to be reminded that each of us
has the ability to live through awkward, embarrassing or anxiety filled moments.

My 10 year old cousin offered the statement “Don’t worry Julie.
Sometimes things happen in life.  It is OK.”  Nice wisdom and compassion from him. (Of course the second his oldest brother got in the van he said “Hey,
Julie threw up on the ride!)

Sometimes when something happens that mortifies you remember how you
handle it says a lot.  You can live through it.  You will be OK.  You will not be forever marked.  You can be a role model for others.  You teach your kids that bad things happen but you can make it through.  Embarrassment is not the end of the world.  A mortifying moment is not a catastrophe.

Memories
Memories are part of our identity.  They help us with meaning.  They can
be a source of joy and contentment.  All the situations from this trip will be
cherished memories that will remind me of who I am and can be shared
with those I am close to.  I am sure sometime in my future someone in
my family will jokingly ask if I’ll be able to handle going on a
Merry-go-Round or something.  I’ll remember the weather and laughing
or worrying with friends.  The memories help me be who I am.  What
jokes does your family share year after year.  Which memories are the
most precious to you?

I am grateful for being able to practice mindfulness, live through the mortification and cherish my memories from the trip.

Tips for Men - Coping with the break-up

I created a short ezine article - Tips for Men Coping with the Break-up. 
See what you think!


http://ezinearticles.com/?Tips-for-Men---After-the-Breakup&id=6668947

What is a parent to do on the first day of school.

This is an article by another therapist I thought I'd share.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/8307229/first_day_of_school_for_parents.html?cat=25

Texting - It's no way to argue.

I like to text.  I finally added unlimited texting to my plans because of high usage. Some communication is perfect for texting.  Yes/No questions, a quick check in, a request or a “thinking about you” all seem appropriate to me.

There is some communication that is not served well by text. 

In depth conversations and solving problems are not generally conducive to text messaging.   I have found in my personal and professional life that many people seem to have complicated conversations over text and then are surprised when there are misunderstandings.  I’m not even talking about teens and early adults who are probably much more adapt at text communication than folks a bit older.  I’m talking about adults in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.  I've seen entire relationships which seem to dissolve over rapidly exchanged texts.

If communication is something like 90% non-verbal then why would I think that you are going to get the nuances I am conveying via text?  I’m talking not just gestures and facial expressions but tone and variations of our voice.  How many times have I heard someone ask “what do you think they meant by that text?”  Well I just don't know.  They put LOL but it seems kind of mean.  There are so very many ways a text can be misinterpreted.  

People seem braver with texting.  If you are texting something you would never say to the person face to face – reconsider texting it.  There is a reason you wouldn't be willing to look into someone else's eyes and the say the same thing.  

Texting the tough stuff allows you to distance yourself from the uncomfortable emotions.   To get to the other side – to process a situation – you might have to feel the yucky emotions.  A text may not get across the emotions you are trying to share.  It is difficult to validate another person in text and continue a conversation.  We’ve all gotten the texts that are so long they go on for 4 or 5 texts.  Your phone keeps pinging as you try to keep up with the message.   Then if you happen to add autocorrect to the mix who knows what you are saying.   Autocorrect once changed the word I was typing “iffy” to “orgy” which was not what I was trying to say.  There is no wonder on why texts can be misunderstood.

There are just so many variables with text and in some ways it is allowing yourself to have an excuse not to step up, deal with emotion and connect.  Being open and vulnerable is hard – but can be so very worth it.

Next time you are tempted to text - ask yourself if it is really the right way to be communicating this issue.   If not – try talking face to face (if it is technology you are looking for talk via skype.)  You may be surprised how well it works!

Building Rapport (but really prompted by the game LIFE)

If I were to see your kid in therapy, I’d play some games with him or her.  I know the questions that come up from parents.  Why are we paying for him to play games?  How is this helping her?  How is this making our lives easier? 

Playing games with kids, helps build rapport with the child.  Really – do we expect a child to go and share their secrets with a total stranger with whom they have no experience of having had a positive interaction.  I also use games to see how the child is developmentally, how they cope with challenges and losses and interacting with others but mostly to build rapport and start a basis for a therapeutic relationship and later to strengthen that relationship.

It seems so simple – playing with the child to strengthen a bond – but how often are you doing that at home?  The day to day activities of homework and driving to baseball or music lessons and juggling jobs and a million other commitments take its toll.  Sitting down to play a game with your child is probably the last thing you feel up to doing.

Try to plan some time to play a board game with your kids.  Your child – even the ones who vehemently deny it – does want your attention.  Although I think playing board games encourages better interaction and generates more teachable moments even a video game together can encourage rapport.  I tell you – back in the day my brother and I would never have had any bonding moments if it weren’t for playing video games together.

Although I genuinely am glad to promote playing and interacting with your kids to improve your relationship with them, I did have an ulterior motive for this post.

 I have a question about the board game LIFE.

I was playing LIFE the other day and I wondered why, in this time of amazing technological advances that the playing pieces for this game haven’t changed.  The game itself has changed with money amounts updated, careers in IT, and buying SUV’s as options.  But those little cars with the blue and pink pegs seem exactly the same as when I was little.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  You need really good fine motor skills to put them in place and they never stay in and you have loose peg people everywhere.  It just seems like someone, sometime could have invented a cool, new upgrade.  It must just be one of LIFE’s little mysteries.

May is National Photo Month

May is National Photo Month. 

I like photos.  I think it is a throwback to my mom who had (and now I have)  about 50 or more photo albums.  With social media and the digital age it is probably less likely that people have photo albums but it is generally easier to share pictures.  Photos are a snapshot in time which hold our memories.  I don’t think I encourage it enough but I love when clients bring photos – whether a hard copy or on their phone or whatever- to a session to share.  It allows me to get a bit better picture of the client. 

 Below is a link to one of the worksheets I occasionally use to encourage the sharing of photos.

Family Snapshot Worksheet

Teen Self-Esteem Month

May is Teen Self-Esteem month.  I’m not always a fan of even the word “self-esteem” but what a great reminder to tell your teen something you love about them.  For some tips visit Tips.

I may not be totally on board with all of them but take what works for you.  All of us can take this a moment to remember to acknowledge and support the teens in our lives.  Value their opinions and be the best role model we can be for them.

Middle School Transition Group

Middle School seems to be such a rough time for so many kids.  There are more demands of homework, other kids sometimes seem meaner, everything is in flux.  Parents worry about the anxiety their children have and sometimes the trouble they have connecting positively with other kids and even bullying. 

This upcoming summer I am offering a Middle School Transition Group on Friday Mornings.  For information on the group and the topics touched on go to Middle School Transitions Group.

Please contact me with any questions or for more informatin.  I look forward to working with you.

Couple's Communication

I came across this page Couple's Communication during my random perusal of the Internet.  It is basically an article on the different ways a man and a woman perceive the same conversations.  What a person says and what the other person hears are often very different.

Way back, when the book "Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus" was popular a friend and I used to joke that we could have become wealthy if we had just written that book.  We believed it could be summarized with just the words - "Men, Women - different."  Of course it is obvious and we've all read and discussed and laughed about the differences between the genders but getting down to the day to day interactions we often forget the obvious.  Try giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Try not assuming the other person is being negative.  Stop.  Listen Carefully.  See what happens.

This isn't quite how family therapy is supposed to go...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PU-hTdkzg8&feature=related


Or is it?  The Simpson's unite together in their common dislike of the therapist.  Building positive reciprocity with family members seems to lead to happier, more fulfilled relationships.  Try looking at the commonalities with your children, your partner, your siblings or your parents.  Do something nice for a family member with no expectations.  Review your interactions with your family and recognize the nice things they may be do for you that you may take for granted.

Dr. Suess Quotes

Dr. Suess was born in 1904 and died almost 20 years ago but some of the wisdom in his children’s books is ageless.  We try to teach kids to love themselves, love others, be kind, that they are unique and special and loved but sometimes we forget these simple, joyful  truths of life when we grow up.  Some of his quotes are a bit sad but today I’m sharing the Dr. Suess quotes that brought a smile to me and hope they bring you a little bounce too.

 “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the things you can think up if only you try!”

 “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Siblings

I was thinking about sibling relationships and serendipitously had this short little blurb about sibling relationships.e-mailed to me.

Siblings and Depression

It basically says that having a loving relationship with your siblings can fend off depression. It also notes that sisters seem to be better depression busters than brothers that brothers are good too.

Do you have siblings? Your siblings have know you longer than anyone else and probably are the only individuals you have that understand where you came from because they were there too. Your siblings have known you the longest of anyone. As I age I believe more and more that it is important to have people in your life who knew you when you were young. We mature and grow and struggle so much we sometimes lose characteristics and dreams of our youth. That doesn’t make them any less a part of us and it is comforting to have someone who remembers the good parts of the old you.

Take a moment and call or e-mail your sibling today. Just say hi – especially if time and distance has separated you. You may just find another way to fight depressing feelings.