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Saw this article and thought I’d share.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/

All of us are hurt at one time or another and I always like some tips on the pain not becoming how I define myself, just a part of the whole picture of me.

I like these tips.  The only one I may disagree with is Number 4: Stop Telling Your Story.  There is a point where retelling your story over and over again is counterproductive.  It can be like a wheel that has made a rut in the road and you become stuck and can’t get out.

However, sometimes a person retells their story because no one has acknowledged it in the way the individual needs.  I was told once if someone keeps repeating the same thing to me that I’m not hearing them.  I’m not responding the way they need me to respond.  I try to keep that in mind and figure out what someone is really trying to say to me.  If you’re not feeling heard – tell people that.  Keep speaking up.

Random Tips on Coping With A Chronic Illness

I've been working on creating a tip sheet for working with chronic illness and this is what I have thus far and thought I would share.  (They are only random because it turns out I like to use the word random a lot!)

Tips for Living With A Chronic Illness

1 – It is Ok to grieve.  Grieving means you acknowledge the changes and will be able to embrace moving forward.  Know that grief will come and go and will generally lesson over time.

2 – Accept your illness.  It is what it is and accepting doesn’t mean you are happy with your illness but that you can understand that life sucks sometimes and that you have the strength to go on and even be happy.

3 – Stay productive.  You are tired and in pain and you just want to feel better.  Keeping a job or going out with the grandkids or spending time gardening may seem like impossible tasks.  Keeping active will improve your mood and even your health exponentially.  Try to do what you can.

4 – Take responsibility for your health.  Not only do you know yourself best, only you can follow the doctor’s recommendations.  Sometimes with an illness it is easy to feel like everyone has control over your life.  You may constantly be given directions such as “go take this test” or “don’t eat that” or “its not a big deal, it will only take a few hours.”   Take back the control.  This is your life.  It is not up to anyone else but you.

5 – Connect with your spirituality.   You are more than your illness.  Try connecting with whatever you believe in and try finding solace and comfort.  This can be an opportunity for self-reflection and looking at the bigger picture as it pertains to you.

6 – Accept help from others.  It is easy to say “I’m ok, I can do it.”  Most of the time when people offer to help they really want to help.  Give them an opportunity.  It is not a weakness to let someone help you out.

7 – Let yourself have bad days.  Everyone, if they are healthy or sick, have rough days.  Forgive yourself for having bad days.  Remember bad days or times will pass.  A bad moment doesn’t mean all day will be horrible and a bad day doesn’t mean there won’t be good days and moments coming up.

8 – Find joy where you can.  It may seem cliché but if you look you can find moments of joy all over the place.  The colors of the trees, clean sheets, the smell of cookies, hearing your favorite song, a hello from a friend, a funny cartoon, your dog being happy to see you, your child saying something hilarious – to just name a few.  Maybe it is just time to yourself or a short time without pain.   Work at recognizing and honoring moments of joy when they occur.

Breaking-Up

This post keeps showing up on my "to be posted" posts but I swear I posted it previously.  I can't find it though so why not share?

You feel like it will never be OK again.  You wonder what you could have done different.  You aren’t sure where the other person is coming from.  It has been deteriorating for awhile or you were blindsided.  You will get through this.  Be angry, be sad, be relieved – whatever you need to be.

This link has some ideas how to pull yourself out of the break-up depression.

End Of Life Care

Wondering around on the internet I came across this opinion article on CNN regarding end of life care.
End Of Life    Although it lost me a bit with the war talk it seems to make a point about choices at the end of life.

I am a dialysis social worker in addition to my private practice and one thing that often is frustrating is seeing how little time and effort is put into sharing with individuals their prognosis, realistic goals and the possibility of hospice or other appropriate care.   Like most of us I want my family and friends to live a long life and have them around to share the journey as long as possible.  I want to stay on journey as long as I am able and wouldn't want someone to decide for me what should happen if there was a serious medical issue. However,  not talking about death and avoiding taking measures to have a good end of life does not stop the inevitable.  In dialysis (and really for most medical treatments) I believe one good question to ask is if the treatment is prolonging your life or merely prolonging your death.

One saying that I think can be comforting and that I just googled and found is attributed to Patrick Overton is

“When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will learn how to fly.”

(And apologies to Patrick Overton because there seem to be a ton of variations on this saying!)

Emotions

Maybe you just went through a break up.  Maybe someone near and dear to you died.  Maybe you are overwhelmed with your child’s behaviors.  When difficult situations arise often there are messy, uncomfortable emotions to feel.

So what do we do?  Well it seems as if most people’s first instincts are to get busy and avoid feeling.  Someone asks you “how are you doing?”  You say “keeping busy” or “working a lot”.  If you notice neither answer actually is a feeling – it is what you are doing to avoid feeling.  People often spend a lot of time avoiding having to feel.

At the same time most people will say they just want to feel better.  They want to accept their loss or frustration and move on.  They may be frustrated when it seems to take too long to feel better.

First there is no time limit for a feeling. Emotions are complicated and you may feel sad or happy or guilty all in a short time.   If your emotions start interfering with your day to day life you may consider getting outside assistance. 

Second, to get to the place of being better – you are going to have to stop and actually feel those uncomfortable feelings.  Take a moment and identify the feelings you have – not what you are thinking or what you are doing.  For example “I feel lonely” vs. “I think I’m not worthy” or whatever.  Take a moment to actually feel.  It is ok to feel sad or frustrated.  Emotions serve a purpose.  Difficult feelings might spurn you to make a change. 

The intensity of feelings generally fades when they are acknowledged and felt.  Taking the time to stop and just be with your emotions just may get you to the better place you want be.

Death and Dying

Talking about death and dying is something individuals often want to avoid.  Much is involved with the dying process and a “good death” is more likely to occur if you have prepared.  There are many definitions of a good death but to me a good death is a death where there isn’t a lot left hanging.  Relationships are at peace.  Decisions are made as the person dying would have made them.  In most situations, that treatment they seek is used to prolong life and is carefully considered when it is prolonging death.  I think it is where the individual and their family and friends feel heard and cared for.   A good death requires planning.

I fully encourage individuals – of every age- to complete an advanced directive for their state and the 5 Wishes booklet.  (For a free download of your state’s advanced directive I found the website  http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload and the five wishes can be found at www.agingwithdignity.org/five-wishes.php .   

Sometimes individuals don’t want to fill out an advanced directive because they are afraid that they are somehow tempting fate.  Unfortunately accidents happen unexpectedly and the aftermath must be dealt with prepared or not

Often people will say “my family will do what they know I want.”    Sometimes emotions are a bit unpredictable during stressful times.  Even if your wife or son or partner knows your wishes they may try treatments you wouldn’t even have considered if it means not losing you.  Also, legally someone will likely be chosen to make decisions to

Some individuals are worried that if they complete advanced directives then health care professionals will stop talking to them and will talk to your medical proxy.  This may happen sometimes but if you are capable of making decisions the health care provider should only speak with you and you will make the decisions on your treatment and decide who gets information.  Fortunately most health care professionals understand and ensure the patient is making their own decisions.  Also, think about what might happen if you do not have advanced directives.  Let’s say you do not have a spouse and you have three adult children.  One of your children is really involved and takes care of you and you would choose them to be your medical power of attorney.   You assume everyone would know that so you don’t put anything in writing.  Then, unfortunately, you enter the hospital and are unable to speak for yourself and another child is there. They speak up a lot and the staff gets to know them and decides they should be the medical power of attorney and for what ever reason and the first child, in an effort for peace, doesn’t contest or say anything.  Since there are no advanced directives, the second child ends up being the power of attorney and as much as you love them they are not the one you would have chosen to make your medical decisions.  Consider completing advanced directives.

I encourage 5 Wishes because it goes beyond the legal power of attorney. (5 wishes is considered a legal document for advanced directives in most states but not all so check before using it as a legal document) It talks about comfort care (do you want pictures of loved ones, do you want your hair washed, do you want to be read to etc.) It also talks about having forgiven those in your life for anything that may still be between them and that they forgive you too.  Five Wishes considers the relationships.  It also discusses your wishes for your funeral.  That’s a whole different topic in itself but rituals and traditions are important to grieving and healing and you have the opportunity before you die to put your wishes.  If you are unable to obtain a copy of 5 Wishes or do not want one, consider writing out your wishes about comfort, relationships and memorials so your family/friends can have access to them if you get sick.

The one thing we all have in common is that we all die.  Generally we do not get to choose when to die but we can choose to have a “good death.”