Choice

I've decided that my choice is to do what I love.  I believe doing what I love, living my passions will bring me contentment and happiness.  Sometimes I put obstacles and barriers of my own making into place and it gets in the way of fully living my journey.  I feel like I have to earn good times and getting what I want.  It turns out that I don't.  Sometimes life is hard and sometimes I make it harder than it needs to be.  Today I am going to choose to not put up fake barriers.  Today I am going to choose happiness.  What are you going to choose today?

It doesn’t always work out

You did everything right.  You checked off the tasks. You crossed all the T’s.  Now you’ve reached that elusive place called ‘happiness’. 

Wait – everything isn’t OK yet.  You are confused because you did everything you were supposed.  This isn’t fair.  If you do everything correctly you are supposed to reach your goal.

Only, it doesn’t always work like that.  Sometimes you put everything into something and it still doesn’t work.  Think about trying a new recipe.  You follow each instruction exactly but when you taste the finished product it is too salty or tastes wrong.  Sometimes a person does everything right and it still doesn’t work out.

You might ask yourself why bother?  You might decide it is to much work for too little result.  You might use the less than stellar outcome as an excuse or barrier to continuing on your journey.  Don’t.

Remind yourself that change and movement is a process.  The imperfect outcomes are just as important as the perfect ones.  Remind yourself that there is no endpoint called ‘happiness’ but the journey itself is filled with moments of happiness.  Don’t give up.  Keep trying.  Trust the process.  It really is worth it.

Article Share

Saw this article and thought I’d share.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/

All of us are hurt at one time or another and I always like some tips on the pain not becoming how I define myself, just a part of the whole picture of me.

I like these tips.  The only one I may disagree with is Number 4: Stop Telling Your Story.  There is a point where retelling your story over and over again is counterproductive.  It can be like a wheel that has made a rut in the road and you become stuck and can’t get out.

However, sometimes a person retells their story because no one has acknowledged it in the way the individual needs.  I was told once if someone keeps repeating the same thing to me that I’m not hearing them.  I’m not responding the way they need me to respond.  I try to keep that in mind and figure out what someone is really trying to say to me.  If you’re not feeling heard – tell people that.  Keep speaking up.

Hope - Not a 4 letter word!

I’ve been reading a couple of articles lately that state hope is paralyzing.  They basically say give up on hope and take action.  These articles seem to equate having hope as being helpless.  There seems to be this idea if you have hope than you live in Never Never land and don’t get reality.  I’ve read hope doesn’t create change, it allows people to let other people do the work for them. I’ve heard many people talk of hope with disdain.  I don’t get it.

If one does not have hope, they are hopeless.  (A synonym for hopeless is despair.) I imagine if someone is hopeless then they are stuck, unable to move.  If a person can’t picture a better tomorrow then what motivation do they have to make changes?  If a person can’t believe that their situation may improve or that they will have the strength to get through this difficulty– how can they possibly move forward. It seems more logical to me that people would get stuck in despair not hope.   

When I was young, I was given advice on parenting that basically said if you have taken everything away from the child and there is no way for the child to earn back or even see a time where they wouldn’t be under restriction – they have no reason to even try to follow rules or be agreeable.  I think this illustrates my belief about hopelessness.  If someone has no hope it would be easy to say “why bother keep going.”  (Random side note:  I also don’t believe there is such a thing as false hope but that is for another post for someday. J )

Even in situations that seem hopeless - like a loved one dying of cancer or losing your home or a relationship breakup, having hope can make a difference.  If I can believe I will be able to handle the situation, that I can grieve and be OK again or that there are many more opportunities for me then I can keep going.

I believe that part of my job is to help people stay hopeful (hence my tag line “helping you hold hope”.)   I figure I can picture the other outcomes for you until you can do it yourself.  Having hope doesn’t mean you believe that money will fall from the sky or that everything in your life will magically be amazing.  Having hope means you know there is a purpose for you.  Having hope means that today and tomorrow are worth it.  Having hope gives you reason to keep going and experience life fully.  There is no contest; I would rather a world with hope any day.

goddess quiz

I admit it.  When I have time or am procrastinating, I might take a personality or fun quiz or two.  On a board I watch someone put out a goddess quiz which is apparently based on the book “Goddess in Everywoman” by Jean Bolen.  Sometimes it may feel like none of the answer fits but if you just stick with it the explanations of the goddess are interesting.

Which goddess fits you? 

What I like about a quiz like this one is that I believe it lets us look at ourselves a little differently.  Maybe consider what are our strengths and struggles.  I’m all about self reflection.

The highest answer when I took the quiz was Persephone by quite a bit.  She is someone who had quite the struggles in mythology.  Her mother is involved, Hades is involved, the underworld, mystery and violence all present.

However, she is also known for being a reminder that after winter spring comes.  Some places describe her as offering hope and renewal at the time we are in the most despair.  She helps us bring us back to light and helps us transform to new.

As a therapist one of my greatest wishes and hopefully skill is to help you keep hope that change is possible and help you see that darkness isn’t all there is.  I wish that you could all remember that hope isn’t a horrible word and that even your darkest moments will pass.

Quarter Life Crisis? Mid Life Crisis?

I see a lot of articles and blogs about “quarter life crisis.”  This would be similar to what people call a midlife crisis but happens when you are in your mid twenties.  It  is a time when you ask yourself all the searching questions.  Why is my life so routine?  Is there more than this?  What is coming next?  Am I wasting my life?  What can I do to seize the moment?.  You then get on with your living your life.  This article here describes the 5 stages of a quarter life crisis.

5 stages of a quarter life crisis

Here is the thing though.  I’m reading this article and I’m thinking “isn’t that just what life is?”  There are times we mark time, there are periods of growth and renewal, there are times of commitment and joy.  Do we have to qualify it as an event?  I am hopeful that we are always searching for more or our better selves not just at the ages of 25 and 40.  My wish for people is that we are always living and looking for more.  I hope that people take time to sit quietly, build connections, take chances and find joy.  Why categorize and wait till a certain age to have a “crisis”?  There is no magical time when we shouldn't be growing and the answers are all suddenly clear.  There are always questions and one of the joys of the journey is searching out the answers.   Try to always look inward and outward to live the life you were meant to live.

Moments of Clarity

“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.  It works not because it settles the question for you but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for”  ~unknown

Yes! Yes! Yes!  Has this ever happened to you?  I (and many others also) call it a moment of clarity.  Sometimes all I get is just that one moment when the answer seems so clear.  That this is path I need to follow.  You know what I’m talking about.  It is that instant when you are so sure of a course of action and everything falls together.  Unfortunately, sometimes it only lasts a moment. 

My hope is that I can keep and hold onto that moment and not let all the other stuff get in the way.  Have you ever had a moment of clarity and then self doubt intrudes?  I might say “I know this is the best choice for me” but then I put up barriers.  I don’t have the money.  I don’t have the time.  I don’t have the ability.  What will people think?  It will take too long.  It just isn’t the right time –later I can do it.

All the doubt and barriers I erect obscure that clearness of the moment and then I question if I ever even had it.

How much have I missed by not grabbing onto the information I found in that moment?  How many better choices may I have made if I just believed in that moment?  How much have you missed by not stomping down that doubt and not just doing what you saw in that moment of clarity.

Next time it happens.  Stop.  Listen.  Believe. Go with it.  See what a difference it can make. 

I’ve read this fable in several different forms.  Sometimes it originates in South America, sometimes Africa, sometimes India.  I was struck by this story because it seems like often people’s issues have to do with holding on so tight to a comfortable situation or idea that there is so much opportunity missed.

The Monkey’s Dilemma

Long ago, in the dark jungles of South America, a clever old tribesman experimented with new methods of trapping monkeys. Because the tribe had only blowguns and tiny bows with which to hunt, monkeys were rarely taken, and monkey meat was greatly prized by the villagers. The clever hunter decided, first, to lure monkeys to a clearing where the hunter could fell them with a well placed blow dart.

From past experience, the hunter knew that monkeys were remarkably fond of peanuts, so he brought a small pile of peanuts and placed it in the center of the clearing. After many hours of waiting, a monkey finally broke from the cover of the trees, grabbed the pile of peanuts and raced off into the woods before the hunter could shoot. The hunter disappointed, returned to his village and began pondering ways to get the monkey to linger in the clearing for a moment or two; just long enough to give the hunter a chance to aim and shoot.

The next day, the hunter returned to the clearing with a knife and an awl. He found the largest tree bordering the clearing and carved a hole deep into the trunk. When he finally completed his task, the hole extended several inches into the tree trunk, then opened up into a small cavity that would hold the peanuts. The hunter's hand was too big to reach in, so he pushed a handful of peanuts into the hole with a stick and retreated behind some bushes to await his prey. Sometime later, the aroma of the peanuts was too much for a passing monkey to bear. The monkey jumped into the clearing and raced over to the tree. Without pause, he slipped his hand into the hole and seized the peanuts. The hunter steadied his shot, but then hesitated when the monkey simply stood before the tree trunk, apparently stuck. When the monkey pulled and jerked violently on his arm, it became clear to the hunter how the monkey must have become stuck. While the hole in the tree trunk was big enough for the monkey to slip his empty hand in, it wasn't wide enough for the monkey to remove a fist—full of peanuts. The monkey was unwilling to let go of his handful of peanuts, but unless he did, he would never be able to get his hand out of the hole in the tree.

The hunter watched in amazement and decided not to kill the monkey right away. Instead, his uncommon curiosity took hold and he decided to see just how stubbornly the monkey would hold on to those peanuts. So, the hunter set down his blowgun and stepped out of his brush blind and into the clearing. The monkey immediately saw the hunter and went berserk with panic. He screeched and yanked on his arm all the more furiously, but still refused to free his grip on the peanuts. The hunter took one step toward the monkey and then another. The closer the hunter stepped, the more frantic the monkey became. His screeches were almost unbearable. At last, the hunter stood just out of arm's reach of the monkey, and yet the monkey refused to release the handful of peanuts. All around the tree, the ground was torn and tossed due to the monkeys maniacal flailing. And yet, the monkey would not to let go of the peanuts. Like the winds of a spent hurricane, the monkey eventually tired and his panic subsided. As the hunter sat nearby, the monkey stared at him with a look of sullen surrender. The hunter began to wonder, ”What would it take to get this monkey to release his grip on the peanuts and free himself?” He was sure that the monkey could get loose if only he would let go of the peanuts and withdraw his hand.

The hunter decided to test the monkeys stubborn commitment to the peanuts, so he brought over another pile of peanuts and placed them just out of reach of the monkey. At first, the monkey made no attempt to grab the peanuts, as he was still terrified by the presence of the hunter. But, after a while, the monkey started straining, pulling at his arm and reaching for the new pile of peanuts. But, never did the monkey allow his grip on the peanuts in the hole to loosen. He held them ever tighter as he pulled to wrench free.

As dusk approached, the hunter knew that he must soon return to his village. After watching the pathetic monkey for hours, the hunter had become somewhat sickened by the monkey's self-destructive and foolish behavior. The will to kill the monkey had gone out of the hunter; but he could do nothing to release the monkey from his grip on the peanuts. If he approached the monkey too closely, the monkey would surely scratch and bite him in fear. And, even if he could get close enough, there was no way
to release the monkeys grip and remove his arm. Disgusted and at his wit's end, the hunter walked home in the failing light.

For a several days, the hunter dreamed of ways to free the monkey from the peanut trap. He hoped that the monkey might fall asleep and unwittingly free himself. If not, the hunter might have to try drastic measures.

Several days later, the hunter entered the clearing to find the monkey, tired and defeated, still locked on to the peanuts in the hole of the tree trunk. The monkey had become gaunt and the hunter could see him deteriorating physically. The monkey looked at the hunter with despondent resignation, but never did the monkey seem to consider the possibility of releasing the peanuts.

The monkey dangled from his worn and bleeding arm, obviously ailing from the strain of capture. The hunter wondered about the monkey's fist and the peanuts buried in the hole. After days in the tree trunk and with the humid heat of the jungle, the hunter imagined the once-—fresh peanuts
slowly growing mold and spoiling in the monkey's sweaty grip. The hunter pictured the open sores and wounds that the monkey had, no doubt, inflicted on his arm and hand as he had struggled to get free the day before.

The hunter walked to a place just beyond the monkey's reach and opened up a huge basket he had prepared that morning before departing the village. One item at a time, the hunter pulled out delicious, steaming dishes of rice, meat and fruit. He removed gourds filled with pure spring water and bowls with piping hot tea. The hunter laid them all out on the forest floor, like a delicious holiday banquet. The monkey watched the exquisite meal unfold with rapt attention. It was plain to see that the monkey was very hungry and thirsty and he wanted nothing in the world more than to dive into the feast except, he refused to release his moldy peanuts, even for an instant.

When the meal was completely set, the hunter slowly began to eat it himself. The monkey sat back on his haunches and whined a high pitched mewling of misery. But, nothing about the feast, or hunter eating it, could convince the monkey to release the peanuts. It was almost as if the monkey had forgotten why or what he was holding within the tree trunk., but he remained committed nonetheless.

Several days later the hunter once again passed by the monkey trap, hoping that somehow the monkey had freed himself. He was saddened to find the lifeless body of the monkey lying next to the trunk, its hand finally freed from the enslaving hole.

Next to his outstretched arm lay the three moldy peanuts.

- Author Unknown

In therapy I admit I use quotes, stories and even clichés a lot to explain a concept or idea.  However, when I use this story I often get a blank look like it doesn’t resonate so I figured I’d just share it here.

I think fear of the unknown, fear of not making it, fear of not being safe and a hundred other fears brings many people to a dead stop.  People might not grab opportunities or move out of a unhealthy relationship because at least it is comfortable and safe.

I like the part of this version of the story that talks about reaching for other peanuts without letting go of the first peanuts.  Sometimes it is not possible to move ahead and get where we want to be without letting go of something else.  Trying to keep what we already have can hinder us and not allow us to fully commit to our next step.  Hedging our bets can sometimes cause more problems rather than move a person forward. 

As much as I believe people need to learn to recognize and hear their inner voices, sometimes everyone in our lives are pointing us in the right direction and we're just not listening.  People we love or care about are practically putting up a neon sign saying “GO THIS WAY” and we are so afraid to let go of something we pass the signs up like the monkey ignores all of the hunter’s attempts to free himself.

What about this story resonated with you?  What are you struggling to let go of so you can move forward?

Mind over Matter

I really love "stumbleupon.com" and I find the absolute most interesting web pages.

I'm not sure if I want to believe this or not but it is a great example of how our beliefs affect our feelings and actions.

You know what though?  I still would like to believe when I push the close sign in the elevator that it makes the door close faster.


Placebo Buttons

Change

“Habit is a man’s sole comfort.  We dislike doing without even unpleasant things to which we have become accustomed.”  ~ Goethe

Why is it sometimes hard to change?  I think the above quote sums it up.  To grow, to fully experience perhaps it would be helpful to step outside of the lines and are comfort zone.

Technology

This blog fits under “random ramblings.”  I just wanted to share this article because I thought it was interesting.  It illustrates the changes that come about by indicating what babies born in 2011 will never know about.

Things Babies Born in 2011 Will Never Know by Stacy Johnson

Change is inevitable.  Technology scares some people.  People lament that technology pulls people apart, allows people to lose personal connections.  I don’t know if I agree.  I actually think it is kind of cool that I can have contact with my grade school cohorts via Facebook.  It gives a connection to something bigger and ties together the threads of our lives.  People come in and out of our lives all the time, as they should, but it is kind of neat to maintain connections – even nominally- that you wouldn’t otherwise.  I have cousins that I may have almost no contact with if it wasn’t for Facebook so isn’t it a good thing we can stay connected?  I don’t think the fear that people will stop interacting as person will come to pass.  People still need human contact and touch and the exhilaration of being with someone.

On the other hand, I am one for some nostalgia (as my probably 40 photo albums would attest to.)  Choosing some traditions to keep alive would be awesome. 

My brother did give me a US Atlas for Christmas – otherwise known as a paper map- and who knows maybe I’ll be driving somewhere someday and Google maps on my smart phone won’t work and I can pull out the map and figure out where to go.

Also, I’d love if people wrote letters still.  Last weekend I was going through some of my mom’s stuff and she had a bunch of letters from the mid sixties when she was in nursing school.  It was fascinating reading letters from her mom and sisters and my dad and get a snapshot of the world at that time.  Seeing someone’s handwriting, learning about them in a different way and hearing their voice in your head is priceless.  I also have letters my best friend and family wrote me in college.  Oh well.

See- just random ramblings of Julie.  : )

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”  August Wilson

Something about this quote touched me today.  I think it honors that individuals are complicated.   Individuals have broken parts of themselves and instead of hiding away that which isn’t bright and shiny it may be helpful to look at those parts.  Work on them, change them, accept what you cannot change and use the parts to highlight your strengths. People are complex and looking at those pieces we don’t particular like might just make us a richer, stronger, solid individual.  Just my thoughts today.

If it is to be...

My mom used to have a little picture hanging on her wall that said “If it is to be it is up to me.”  I irrationally didn’t like the saying.  Maybe I didn’t like it because it is completely true and it puts a lot of responsibility on me to make my own happiness or develop and reach my own goals. 

It is often more comfortable to believe that our lives are mostly out of our control.  You might say "but I have this illness” or “it is the only job I can get and I need money to live” or “it takes two for a successful relationship” and this talk makes it easy to abdicate responsibility.

Although there are conditions out of our control, we mostly do have say in our lives. We may have to live within constraints not of our choosing (e.g. having to be a caretaker for sick parent or a physical illness with which to contend or significant other who thinks it is ok to cheat) but we do have control of how we respond to circumstances and what we do within the restrictions of our life. It is easy to think that if your partner could be a little more understanding or you could make just a little more money or if you could just have a more understanding boss that everything would be fine.  Often individuals wait for someone to save them or make everything better or a circumstance to change before they “go for it.”  What are you waiting for?  If you aren’t where you want to be or if you are waiting for some specific circumstance to change - stop.  Make a plan, take a step – no matter how small and start to take responsibility for what you want out of life.

If it is to be – it is up to you to make it so. 

A Tuesday Thought

"When you got an elephant by the hind leg and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him run"
      Abraham Lincoln


How often do you hang on to beliefs, behaviors or relationships that are crushing you or pulling you from your potential.  Maybe it is time to take a deep breath, let go, and see where freedom might lead you..

Happiness

Happiness

I was trying to post a blurb about happiness.  Somehow it became lost in the nethers which is unfortunate because I’m sure it was full of wisdom I will be unable to repeat. 

My post quoted Abraham Lincoln’s well known know remark “Most folks are about as happy as the make up their minds to be.”  I wrote about our values and if we believe we need something (well behaved kids, a big home, a great relationship or whatever) or we believe something “should” be a way (a certain weight, a certain job, a certain sexual orientation) and we don’t  have it or we are not the “should”  than we struggle with our happiness. 
To find happiness we may have to change what our definition of happiness is. 

During counseling if someone says they just “want to be happy” – I will ask them “what does happiness look like?”  Almost one hundred percent of people struggle with the answer.  If we can’t define what happiness is-how will we get there? 
What is happiness for you?  Happiness can take many forms – a pedicure, clean sheets, your kid making getting the ball through the hoop at a basket ball game, closing a deal at work, an entertaining television show, paying all your bills – figure out what happiness means to you so you can take steps to live in Happy.

While rewriting this post I saw a poem on a listserv I follow.  (Apparently April is also Poetry Month)  It seemed to fit this post.  Maybe happiness is also choosing to be OK with both the good and the rough stuff in life.  This poem brought me some happiness so I am sharing the first two stanzas with you.

The World Is a Beautiful Place  (The first two stanzas – there is more to the poem J )
by Lawrence Ferlinghetti
The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time
The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half bad
if it isn't you

Facing Fear

Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace.


Amelia Earhart


People often live so much of their lives in fear. It is so much easier to avoid that which scares us. We can manage to avoid all sorts of things that scare us and still live an ok, fulfilling life. Only… we will know that we could have done more or been more or reached our potential. Today might be the day to take a chance. There are a couple of things you can do when fear is getting in your way.

• Try deep breathing and relaxation. Different techniques work for different people. When I was in undergrad they taught us a technique I still use today a million years later. I try inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. I may close my eyes or pick a focal point in the room. When I exhale I usually say a word. Any word will do but I usually use the word peace. This exercise seems to calm me and lower my heart rate. Look on the internet or at the library for relaxation techniques. Try different techniques and see what works for you.


• Practice what you are going to do or say. Practicing will build your confidence.


• Another technique is to figure out the absolutely worse thing that could possibly happen if you face your fear and take action. Exaggerate the outcome and think of all the possibilities. You may realize that your outcome is very unlikely to come to pass and then realize if it does that you would live through it and be ok.


• Try positive self-talk. Instead of telling yourself to just give into the fear so you can feel relief tell yourself you can do it. Tell yourself that you are capable and will succeed at your task. It is amazing how much our own negative self talk can bring us down.


As people we tend to regret less what we do that we fail at or that which goes horribly wrong. We regret more the missed chances and what we didn’t try. Maybe today is the day to be brave and face your fears. Today I am going to face one of my fears. You can do it too!

Over and Over

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein


Does it ever seem like you keep making the same mistakes again and again? Do you keep getting outcomes you don’t like? For example, every time you try to have a conversation with your significant other you end up in an argument? Maybe you are trying to save your money but it always seems to disappear. Maybe you want to lose 30 pounds and you but the scale just moves up rather than down (Yes – I kind of live in that place.) You see these goals for yourself but keep getting the same results. If whatever behavior you are engaging in isn’t working than it is time to try something different. Below are examples of changing behavior that may result in a different outcome.



Significant Other in fight.


Review: Everytime I try to talk to my significant other we seem to argue. I seem to always approach

               my significant other when he or she is on the computer.

Change Behavior: Try approaching them at a different time.


Evaluate: My significant other was more agreeable to talking. – Then successful outcome.

If not – try something else.


Saving Money


Review: I never seem able to save my money. I keep a budget in my head and balance my check book.



Change Behavior: This paycheck I’m going to write down a budget and write down where I spend  
                                all my money.

Evaluate: I am able to better keep track of my money and started saving – Then successful outcome.


If not – try something else.


Losing Weight


Review: I really want to lose 30 pounds so I feel healthier and better about myself.



Change Behavior: I go out to eat 5 nights a week. I’ll cook at home more and only eat out 1 time a

week.

Evaluate: I am feeling better and have started to lose weight – successful outcome.


If not –try something else.


You might not find the answer the first or even the second time but you might feel better just by trying something different. We all get comfortable in our patterns and behaviors but if we want different outcomes we really have to change our approach. If you aren't ready to change or just don't really want to - that's OK too.  Keep in mind if you keep doing what you are doing – you will keep getting what you are getting.