Forgiving Ourselves

I'm apparently having a "Julie's Thoughts on Forgiveness Week."  I'm Ok with that.

The other day I posted about forgiving our friends.  Something I see as even more important and so much more difficult is forgiving ourselves.

Not one of us is perfect.  If holding on to rage and resentment to someone who has hurt us is detrimental, then imagine what holding on to rage and resentment towards you is doing to your sense of being. 

How do you forgive yourself? 

1)      Remind yourself that it is OK that you make mistakes.  You are not perfect and weren’t meant to be perfect.  Think about the expectations of yourself.  Are they realistic?  If they aren’t then work on readjusting them.

2)      Feel the emotions.  Feel the regret.  Feel the sadness.  Feel the feelings of inadequacy. Even feel the shame.   Many people avoid feeling.  These feelings don’t go away, they stay with us.  Feel them.  Acknowledge them.  If you do this the intensity will lesson.

3)      Take action.  Is there anything you can do to fix the situation.  Maybe there isn’t something directly you can do but you can choose to do something indirectly too.  (Don’t, though, get caught up in punishing yourself or making yourself do penance.  It will never feel like enough.)  Take any action.  When people take action, they often immediately feel better.

4)      Take whatever lesson you learned or experience you’ve gained and own it.  Try your best to use it in the future.

5)      Remind yourself that you are forgivable.  (You are worthy of forgiveness!)

“If you haven’t forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?”

           
Dolores Huerta.

“As soon as one forgives oneself, it is like taking away a bandage that covered one’s eyes.  When the bandage is gone, then one can see that the ones that love us have already forgiven us long ago and still there loving us.”     Juan Cavallo

Being You

How often have you heard (or given the advice) – “just be yourself.”  It is good advice.  It seems logical.  It seems simple.  I mean, how hard can it be to just “be yourself”?  Being ourselves is the one thing which each of us should excel!

Why then is it is so darn hard to just be ourselves?  What messages do you give yourself telling yourself there is something wrong with the way you are?   What are you thinking about when you think you need to act a certain way.  Do you compare yourself to others?  Do you think they’d never struggle or that they are so together and think maybe if you acted a bit more like them you’d be better?

What is so hard about trusting our own instincts?  I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking to be successful I would need to be something other than “myself”. 

Although I was born to be a social worker, I wasn’t exactly sure I would be a great therapist.  My idea of a therapist was someone who was academic, quiet, and easily knew all the correct things to say to clients.  When I started moving in the direction of becoming a therapist I really tried to emulate what I thought a perfect therapist was.  I wanted to seem smart and be able to spout off theories and explanations.  You know what?  I just wasn’t very successful at it.  I would struggle to build a genuine relationship because I wasn’t being genuine.  I gradually learned that I was much more connected and even much more insightful when I just was me. When I let myself use humor, be conversational and quote clichés, I did a much better job.   Being a therapist also became infinitely easier and more enjoyable because I was being myself. I’m sure my clients benefited too because who wants to build a relationship with someone who is trying to be someone else.

Next time you see you are struggling, try examining if you are being yourself.  Are you trying to fit your behavior into some constructed template?   Are you trying to live up to how you think you should be?  Try trusting your inner voice.  You know what you are doing.  You know who you are.  Just be you.

The voices in our head

I found this cartoon the other day.

Click for Cartoon 

I thought about how often people have negative self talk.  Often individuals assume others are thinking the most terrible things about them.  Our voices in our head tell us other people are thinking we are not capable or too fat or not pretty enough or not smart enough or that we can’t possible succeed, that there is just something wrong with us.

What would it take for us to be able to believe the best about ourselves?  What would it take to realize that most people struggle and most people don’t automatically believe the worse about others?  In a recent Pink song (F#*@ Perfect) there is a line “Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead”.  What would motivate you to change the voices in your head to be more positive?

Ask yourself what choices you might make differently if the voices in your head were positive.  What amazing things might you do if didn’t believe others were thinking you don’t measure up?

Try working at changing those voices in your head and see where it leads you.

Building Rapport (but really prompted by the game LIFE)

If I were to see your kid in therapy, I’d play some games with him or her.  I know the questions that come up from parents.  Why are we paying for him to play games?  How is this helping her?  How is this making our lives easier? 

Playing games with kids, helps build rapport with the child.  Really – do we expect a child to go and share their secrets with a total stranger with whom they have no experience of having had a positive interaction.  I also use games to see how the child is developmentally, how they cope with challenges and losses and interacting with others but mostly to build rapport and start a basis for a therapeutic relationship and later to strengthen that relationship.

It seems so simple – playing with the child to strengthen a bond – but how often are you doing that at home?  The day to day activities of homework and driving to baseball or music lessons and juggling jobs and a million other commitments take its toll.  Sitting down to play a game with your child is probably the last thing you feel up to doing.

Try to plan some time to play a board game with your kids.  Your child – even the ones who vehemently deny it – does want your attention.  Although I think playing board games encourages better interaction and generates more teachable moments even a video game together can encourage rapport.  I tell you – back in the day my brother and I would never have had any bonding moments if it weren’t for playing video games together.

Although I genuinely am glad to promote playing and interacting with your kids to improve your relationship with them, I did have an ulterior motive for this post.

 I have a question about the board game LIFE.

I was playing LIFE the other day and I wondered why, in this time of amazing technological advances that the playing pieces for this game haven’t changed.  The game itself has changed with money amounts updated, careers in IT, and buying SUV’s as options.  But those little cars with the blue and pink pegs seem exactly the same as when I was little.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  You need really good fine motor skills to put them in place and they never stay in and you have loose peg people everywhere.  It just seems like someone, sometime could have invented a cool, new upgrade.  It must just be one of LIFE’s little mysteries.

This is your place

It may feel like you just don’t belong.  It may seem like everyone else has it all together and you aren’t measuring up.  You may feel like you don’t have the right to get what you want, to be happy, to reach your goals, to keep love, to be comfortable or whatever.  You do.  You deserve to be who you are and you deserve to live in your potential.  Maybe stop trying so hard and live in the now.  Tell yourself you can be happy and fulfilled and let it all play out.  Be kind to yourself.

“Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

Max Ehrmann

Teen Self-Esteem Month

May is Teen Self-Esteem month.  I’m not always a fan of even the word “self-esteem” but what a great reminder to tell your teen something you love about them.  For some tips visit Tips.

I may not be totally on board with all of them but take what works for you.  All of us can take this a moment to remember to acknowledge and support the teens in our lives.  Value their opinions and be the best role model we can be for them.

October is Mental Health Month

Our own mental health is priceless.  Do a quick check in with yourself.

• Have you felt sad or blue with no identifiable trigger?
• Have you felt sadness over a very long period of time?
• Are your moods interfering with your day to day activities?
• Have you started to have trouble concentrating? (For example you are an avid reader but can’t seem to get through more than a few pages of a book at a time.)
• Have you been feeling more irritable and frustrated?
• Have you changed your eating patterns?  Eating a lot more or a lot less?
• Have your sleeping patterns changed?  Are you sleeping all of the time or unable able to sleep at all?
• Have you lost interest in activities you generally enjoy?
• Does depression or other mental health issues run in your family?
• Have you had suicidal thoughts or ideation?

If you see yourself in the above questions, please gather some courage and take that next step.  Even if your mental health is totally fine, don't forget to take steps to maintain optimal mental health.

You can often complete depression and mental health screenings at your local hospital or mental health agency.  If you are in college your school probably has a counseling center you can access.  There are probably also mental health therapists in your area who are trained to help. Try giving one of them a call. 

Give yourself a deadline.  For example, tell yourself by the end of next week I will:    

n      Call my doctor to review my medication.

n      Look at my budget to see how to fit in a therapist.

n      Look at the local hospital website to see if there is a depression screening.

n      Any one (or more) thing you can think of that will give you forward motion to better mental health.

You may feel like you should be handle your emotions and difficulties all on your own.   Remind yourself that there is no shame in asking for help.  Every single one of us needs help at one time or another – there are no exceptions.  It is often very difficult to seek the help we need but the payoff can be well worth difficulty.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that it is OK to feel healthy, happy and whole.

I wish all that for you.

If you do have suicidal thoughts or ideations please contact help immediately.  You can call 911 if it is emergency or call the suicide hotline at 1-800-784-2433

Dr. Suess Quotes

Dr. Suess was born in 1904 and died almost 20 years ago but some of the wisdom in his children’s books is ageless.  We try to teach kids to love themselves, love others, be kind, that they are unique and special and loved but sometimes we forget these simple, joyful  truths of life when we grow up.  Some of his quotes are a bit sad but today I’m sharing the Dr. Suess quotes that brought a smile to me and hope they bring you a little bounce too.

 “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the things you can think up if only you try!”

 “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Differences

"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."
- G. H. Hardy

Mostly, people want to belong.  So...just a reminder that it is ok to be a little different.  Our differences from others are actually what form our identity and make us known. Affirm with yourself that it is OK to be different, it is ok to have different values and causes and hobbies than your friends and family.  The only caveat I put in place personally is that my beliefs and actions just cannot hurt others.  Make your own caveats.  Take a moment to celebrate and enjoy your differences.

Facing Fear

Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace.


Amelia Earhart


People often live so much of their lives in fear. It is so much easier to avoid that which scares us. We can manage to avoid all sorts of things that scare us and still live an ok, fulfilling life. Only… we will know that we could have done more or been more or reached our potential. Today might be the day to take a chance. There are a couple of things you can do when fear is getting in your way.

• Try deep breathing and relaxation. Different techniques work for different people. When I was in undergrad they taught us a technique I still use today a million years later. I try inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. I may close my eyes or pick a focal point in the room. When I exhale I usually say a word. Any word will do but I usually use the word peace. This exercise seems to calm me and lower my heart rate. Look on the internet or at the library for relaxation techniques. Try different techniques and see what works for you.


• Practice what you are going to do or say. Practicing will build your confidence.


• Another technique is to figure out the absolutely worse thing that could possibly happen if you face your fear and take action. Exaggerate the outcome and think of all the possibilities. You may realize that your outcome is very unlikely to come to pass and then realize if it does that you would live through it and be ok.


• Try positive self-talk. Instead of telling yourself to just give into the fear so you can feel relief tell yourself you can do it. Tell yourself that you are capable and will succeed at your task. It is amazing how much our own negative self talk can bring us down.


As people we tend to regret less what we do that we fail at or that which goes horribly wrong. We regret more the missed chances and what we didn’t try. Maybe today is the day to be brave and face your fears. Today I am going to face one of my fears. You can do it too!

Follow Your Dreams

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.



--Henry David Thoreau



It is so easy to give in to frustration. It is so easy to settle. You might tell yourself you are lucky to have a job or that there are so many people worse off than you. That may be true but that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be living the life you envision. You don’t have to be stuck in a miserable job or a toxic relationship. Maybe today is the day you spend time reevaluating your life. Figure out what you love and what you want to do and take a first step. Look at what you value and start to figure out how to live your values. We often give up our dreams as too lofty or not realistic. Take today and don’t be realistic. If there were no obstacles in your way – Who would you be? If you move forward – within your values and toward your dreams- you will find happiness and success in ways you may have never imagined.

Strengths (You do have them!)

Strengths
How many social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. The light bulb isn’t burned out it is just lit differently.

Although there are several answers to the above joke, this answer illustrates that Social Workers are noted for being able to find strengths in any person. I have worked in social services for about 18 years and I have never come across an instance I couldn’t find some strength to write about a person.
There are always options. The person is…

~resilient ~loves their family ~hard worker~ willing to attend sessions ~ open to new ideas
~ good sense of humor ~caring ~ smart ~ creative~ full of hope


I know that if I have a little time with a person I can list strengths for virtually every single individual I meet. If I asked you to evaluate people you know – even people you don’t like – you could probably come up with positives for everyone. So why is it, that during my assessment process, when I ask “what are some strengths you have” – there is almost always complete silence. I’ll even give more explanation and say “maybe a personality trait you like about yourself or a role in your life you think you do well or something that you enjoy…” With prompting people will usually come up with 1 or 2 positive characteristics (accompanied by a nervous laugh or stated as a question) but people often seem so uncomfortable stating anything positive in reference to his or her self. If I asked most people to list strengths about any member of their family, he or she would give me a litany of the good traits. Usually, even when individuals say something negative about a family member they slip in a positive.

Stating what is awesome about you and believing that you have strengths is not conceited. You have strengths – that is just true. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t see it as a strength. You know yourself. Tout your own horn.

Right now try to think of 5 strengths you have. Is it easy? Is it difficult? Strengths don’t have to be big and grand. You make a phenomenal spinach-artichoke dip – that’s a strength. It is so easy to get bogged down in what we don’t like about ourselves and what we do wrong that we forget there is this whole delightful side to each of us. We often automatically have lots of negative self talk. When you hear that negative voice in your head try stopping it and yourself permission to like yourself, recognize your wonderfulness and be proud of your strengths.