Not All or Nothing

Today I hope you remember that life is not all or nothing.  If you achieve a goal but then backslide – it doesn’t take away from what you achieve.  If you have a bad day, it doesn’t mean all your days will be bad.  (It doesn’t even mean that your entire day will be bad – maybe a couple hours in the afternoon will be perfect.)

If a person hurts you, it doesn’t mean they will always hurt you.  If you make a horrendous choice, it doesn’t mean all your choices will be mistakes.  If you are selfish in a moment – it doesn’t mean you are a selfish person.  If you parent in a way you regret – it doesn’t make you a bad parent.

Life is not black and white.  Although I often say I live in the grey, I don’t believe life is just grey.  I believe life is made up of a million different hues. Life is bold blues and vibrant yellows and even some paisley.  What I am sure of is that life is not black and white.  Find the colors of your life but remember life is not all or nothing. 

Random Musings on Bystanding

See no evil?  Once I was at a training on domestic violence and child abuse.  The speaker was illustrating some cases, that in hindsight, it seemed very obvious that there was a miscarriage of justice.  Reasons why the court had reluctance to find the perpetrator guilty or assign significant consequences were discussed.  The reason that stood out for me is that if the judge or juries are healthy, caring individuals it may be hard for them to imagine that someone could do such things to child.  For example, a judge might be abhorred to even consider having a sexual thought about his granddaughter so it is difficult to believe the upstanding, gentleman not only has them but acts on those sexual feelings.  I don’t know.  Is that it?  Are we bystanders because it is hard for us to believe the cruelty people may have for another.

Do people not act because we believe it is none of our business?  Do we think we don’t know the whole story so we just let it go?

Are we afraid of the time it may take if we step up.

 Are people afraid of being judged themselves so they don’t act?  Do we know we do things that people might judge so we don’t want to jump to conclusions?

Are our priorities just screwed up?  Is money, or avoiding conflict or a football program as the case may be more important that the safety and well-being of others?  Do we just not know what to do so we do nothing? 
 
Some of my thoughts were prompted from the Penn State issues last week.  A couple of links talking about this subject are

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/11/fifteen-adults-knew-about-child-sexual-assaults-at-penn-state-and-did-not-act

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/10/preventing-and-reporting-child-abuse-the-questions-raised-by-the-penn-state-scandal  


I don’t have answers.  When to step in and when to bystand is something each of us answers on our own time and in our own way.  I just know I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t step in because of fear or because it would just be too much trouble.

No Regrets

I am one of those individuals who just do not like it when people say “I have no regrets.” 

I get it.  I do.  People are saying they learned from every mistake or ridiculous thing they’ve done.  They are saying they like who they are now and understand that it is all part of the journey and their past is what makes them who they are today.

I just look at it different.  It seems to me that people should have regrets.  I think having regrets means you actually are alive and did things.  You chose to love or take a chance or do that really stupid thing that has become friend and family folklore of your youth. 

To me having regrets means you learn.  You are able to see times you could have loved a bit more or been a bit more compassionate or a bit safer. 



It seems like if you have no regrets that you’ve missed something.  To me, no regrets mean that with the knowledge I have now I would make all the same decisions (read as mistakes or slight errors of judgment) as I did before.  If I don’t regret something why wouldn’t I do it again?



Instead of saying “I have no regrets”, I want to say “I have regrets and I know so much more now.  I am who I am because of the regrets I have.”

I want to own my regrets.



photo by federico stevanin



Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. – Arthur Miller