June is PTSD Awareness Month Post I

Now that June is almost over it seems like I should have mentioned that June is PTSD awareness month. Here is part of a rack card I created about PTSD.  What I think is most important for people to know is that no matter how hopeless a situation feels that if you hang in there, it will get better.  That is where my business name Holding Hope Services is coming from.  I can hold hope for someone until they can do it for themselves.

Why I Care that May is Mental Health Awareness Month

I want people to speak about Mental Health.  There is too much stigma and shame attached to mental illness and mental health.

If I could get people to do one thing, I would get them to speak up about mental illness.  This comes from a very personal place.  I grew up with a mother who had a severe mental illness.  Her behavior could vacillate from very normal and appropriate to outright bizarre. 

 Let me give you a couple of examples of bizarre.  These are only a couple examples of pretty consistent,constant behavior during her bad times.  During one of my first two years of high school there was a parent’s night where the parents go to all your classes and the teachers talked about their curriculum.  My parents went and during the time when my French teacher was talking, my mom stared at the ceiling.  Stared at the ceiling and sung her ABC’s loudly because she had a thing about listening to gossip.  In her mind the teacher was gossiping so my mom had to show whoever that she wouldn’t listen so she was disruptive.  This is bizarre. 

Let me give you another example.  At one of my band concerts my mom passed notes to the person behind her that said things like “I know you why you are here.”   She was sure most of the people around her were trying to trick her and cause her trouble.  This is bizarre.

No one talked about it.

Outside of our family no one mentioned my mom’s actions to me.  Maybe (read maybe as definitely) they talked about how weird she was behind her back but that isn’t necessarily helpful.

 

As a child, I knew that something wasn’t right.  I even knew my mom was in emotional pain most of the time.  This means as a child I really questioned most adult’s intellect because couldn’t they see something was wrong.  I believe my mom and in turn my family suffered for far longer than necessary because of shame and stigma attached to Mental Illness.  I know there are millions of others that suffer similarly.

Maybe if my parents or family had any idea about mental illness, the services out there, and the medication available or even had a name for what was going on, some of their pain would have been alleviated.  Her family was amazing in that they accepted her for who she was but they also had no idea how to help the situation.  Maybe if people spoke up there would be less stigma.  Shame and stigma come from things being hidden and being buried like something is so wrong it can’t see the light of day.

Mental Health is important.  Taking care of your mental health, wherever you are on the continuum, is not shameful.  My mom eventually received help after many years and found the right mix of medication.  She always struggled with mental illness but it stopped being what defined her.  She was a whole person who happened to have a mental illness.  I hope other families are able to speak up and not suffer in silence.

Speak up and tell your stories.

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Did you know this is national eating disorders awareness week.  It may be beneficial to check out some links or stories regarding eating disorders and events.  Here are a couple to get you started.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/programs-events/nedawareness-week.php

http://www.ourbodiesourblog.org/blog/2012/02/national-eating-disorders-awareness-week

http://www.delmarvanow.com/article/20120228/NEWS01/120228016/HEALTH-Breaking-free-when-food-takes-control

Hope your week is full of promise and possibility!

Missing Piece

Once upon a time in a session someone said to me “I feel like I have a missing piece and when I find it I’ll feel whole.”   The book The Missing Piece by Shel Silverstein jumped in my head.  I remembered the book was about the circle Pac Man thingy rolling along and finding his missing piece.  Only, it turns out I remembered it wrong.  It is so much better than I remembered.

It is about this circle which is missing a piece.  (Think a pie slice.)  It searches far and wide for a piece that will fit it perfectly.  On the way it plays with butterflies and meets lots of different pieces it checks out.  The circle has all types of adventures and then one day it finally meets the piece that fits it perfectly.  He has so much joy because he found his missing piece.  Only, it doesn’t quite work out the way he expected.  The piece fits so well he becomes a full circle and starts rolling and rolling and isn’t able to play with butterflies or meet other pieces or enjoy any of what he passes on the journey.  The circle realizes having the missing piece isn’t better for him and separates from his missing piece.  He is able to take pleasure in his journey again.

How often are we that circle?  We think of happiness and contentment as the finish line.  I did it.  I am happy.  Maybe we think of happiness as finding that one true soul mate.  You may ask yourself “if this is the love of my life why aren’t I happy?”

It is because life isn’t about the finish line.  Life is everyday struggles and joys.  Life is sharing this with those we love – not about those we love filling in a place in our soul to make us complete.  You may not feel it but you are a whole person.  There is no missing piece.   You can grow, change and live but life is about now.  Stop looking for your missing piece.  Enjoy the journey. Play with butterflies.  Love, share joy and sorrow with those you meet along the way.  You are already worthy and complete.

It doesn’t always work out

You did everything right.  You checked off the tasks. You crossed all the T’s.  Now you’ve reached that elusive place called ‘happiness’. 

Wait – everything isn’t OK yet.  You are confused because you did everything you were supposed.  This isn’t fair.  If you do everything correctly you are supposed to reach your goal.

Only, it doesn’t always work like that.  Sometimes you put everything into something and it still doesn’t work.  Think about trying a new recipe.  You follow each instruction exactly but when you taste the finished product it is too salty or tastes wrong.  Sometimes a person does everything right and it still doesn’t work out.

You might ask yourself why bother?  You might decide it is to much work for too little result.  You might use the less than stellar outcome as an excuse or barrier to continuing on your journey.  Don’t.

Remind yourself that change and movement is a process.  The imperfect outcomes are just as important as the perfect ones.  Remind yourself that there is no endpoint called ‘happiness’ but the journey itself is filled with moments of happiness.  Don’t give up.  Keep trying.  Trust the process.  It really is worth it.

Adding A Nutritionist to My Practice

Even as a therapist, I have doubts and fears.  It is true.  So, I have been a bit up in the air about sharing adding a Nutritionist to my private practice.

An opportunity came up recently that would allow me to add a nutritionist/dietitian to my practice.  I’m excited about it.  I am actually a bit disappointed because I’ve been getting a lot of confused reactions.  I try to explain that it is just another  option. If someone wants to talk to a nutritionist about food in addition to therapy or even as a whole separate thing, I can provide that for them.   I don’t plan on it being my niche or even brining it up unless it fits the situation.  However, my experience has shown me that eating, food, and body image come up more than not during therapy. I just think it is awesome to have the choice if the desire presents itself. (And I’m hoping to add a few more little options as time progresses.  Fingers crossed.)

I have several (maybe a bit rambling) thoughts on why I am excited to add a Nutritionist to my practice.

1)      I believe that we are more than our mind.  I believe our mind and body work together so many people might want some added insight to nutrition or that support when trying to eat the best for them.

2)      Messages about thin and fat and appearance are thrown at each of us all day long.  Everyone has an opinion about our appearance.  It doesn’t even matter if you are thin or fat or have an ugly nose or the most attractive person on this earth, someone will find something negative about our physicality and too often a part of us will wholeheartedly buy into the critique.  Also, sometimes, in our culture an individual is given the message that no matter what they do to their appearance it will never be enough.

3)      Most women I see and most women I know (and even a few of the men) have so much of their self-esteem and identity tied into their physical appearance.   . This makes me so sad because each of us is so much more than our appearance.  I have had people tell me that if someone is fat that they can’t imagine they could be happy.  Well, you know what, someone who is fat can be happy.  I’m happy. 

4)      Sometimes it is like there is no happy medium.  Either a person eats too much or not enough or not the right foods or has to think about food all the time.  My wish is that each of us could incorporate the nutrition that is best for us into our lives and not make food our identity

5)       I have spent my life struggling with weight; never in my recent memory even being close to what most would say is a ‘normal’ size. I will probably continue to struggle throughout my life with eating and food.  Although as many of you know, it can feel like a failure on my part but it really isn’t.  It is part of who I am and one of the struggles that I get to engage in and learn from in my life.  I may not be able or willing to do everything that would be helpful for me but I am certainly going to benefit from knowledge and learning more if I choose to.  I feel like as the therapist I work with people on acceptance of self and that it is not about our size (small or large) but on who we are and how we feel.  This was one of my doubts about adding a nutritionist to my practice.  The fear that people would be like "really- you?"  Then of course I realized it doesn't matter so much what people say but that I am true to myself and what I want to offer my clients.

6)      Many of us have distorted views of what we eat and how we look.  Our family and friends often even feed into this.  I often say having a neutral person to talk about our goals, life and fears with is essential.  Maybe it is just as essential to get a check up with a neutral person about our food habits and what we eat.

You might look at a couple of the bullet points and think “isn’t that an argument against having a nutritionist?”  I’d give a resounding “no”.  I believe that pretending food, eating and appearance issues don’t exist won’t make them go away.  I think balance is the key and we should have all the tools possible to live the best life we can live for us.

(More on the amazing nutritionist and such later!)

Stop Helping!!!!

OK.  I don’t really mean that.  More like – sometimes helping is not really helpful.

I started thinking about this when I was driving the other day. I came upon the aftermath of an accident.  One car looked pretty smashed up but it did look like all the people involved were OK.  A man who did not seem to be part of the accident, stopped his van – blocking part of the road and started directing traffic.  This man obviously wanted to be helpful. I just am not sure it is helpful to stand in the middle of a dangerous intersection, with a blind spot, and direct speeding cars?  (Granted I was a little irritated because he was trying to get me to go somewhere that I wasn’t inclined to go.)  It seemed to me that in his effort to help he was blocking the road, putting himself in danger and putting other drivers in danger.  Maybe there were other ways for him to help such as making sure 911 was called, or checking on the people in the cars or at the very least getting his van OFF the roadway.

People like to help.  Generally, if someone sees another person in pain they want to alleviate the pain.  By doing so they help the person and even ease their own empathic pain they feel for the person.  It is just that sometimes difficulty serves a purposes.    Sometimes “helping” is not helpful.  I run into this almost daily with the dialysis patients I work with.  A staff member feels bad for a patient, wants the patient and themselves to feel better and comes to me and asks me to basically fix a situation.   Often I find fixing the issue isn’t helpful.  Often it is something the patient is able to do for themselves and by doing it for them I am sending the message that they are dependent, that they don't have control of their life, that they can't function.  It is probably more helpful to give them information and tools and support them while they get through it themselves.

People do it for family members and their children all the time.  Fix a problem, help someone avoid a consequence, help someone avoid difficulty.  We want people we care about to be happy but by arranging outcomes we may be hindering that which the person most needs to be successful.  I have been immensely grateful for family and friends who have helped me in times of trouble but there are definitely times where being helped may have actually delayed me from getting where I needed to be.

Before you jump in and help someone and fix their problem – stop and consider.  Ask yourself “is this really going to help.”  Will this make their problem more difficult in the future?  Is there another way to help that doesn’t take power away from them?  Am I helping for me or for them?

Sometimes we hurt and have to struggle to get where we need to be.  Help may not be fixing, maybe help is just being there and being supportive – letting someone not be alone.  I don't want anyone to stop helping - just consider first.

Read the story of the butterfly below for an illustration of when helping may not be helpful.

STORY OF THE BUTTERFLY

No Regrets

I am one of those individuals who just do not like it when people say “I have no regrets.” 

I get it.  I do.  People are saying they learned from every mistake or ridiculous thing they’ve done.  They are saying they like who they are now and understand that it is all part of the journey and their past is what makes them who they are today.

I just look at it different.  It seems to me that people should have regrets.  I think having regrets means you actually are alive and did things.  You chose to love or take a chance or do that really stupid thing that has become friend and family folklore of your youth. 

To me having regrets means you learn.  You are able to see times you could have loved a bit more or been a bit more compassionate or a bit safer. 



It seems like if you have no regrets that you’ve missed something.  To me, no regrets mean that with the knowledge I have now I would make all the same decisions (read as mistakes or slight errors of judgment) as I did before.  If I don’t regret something why wouldn’t I do it again?



Instead of saying “I have no regrets”, I want to say “I have regrets and I know so much more now.  I am who I am because of the regrets I have.”

I want to own my regrets.



photo by federico stevanin



Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. – Arthur Miller

April is Autism Month

Find out more about autism.

Autism Society