Feelings

“All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling.”  Blaise Pascal

~~I hope so~~

Often it seems like people think they are too emotional.  In practice, most people I meet (myself included) are experts at avoiding feeling and intellectualizing and rationalizing absolutely everything.  I don’t like unpleasant or unhappy feelings and I imagine most other people don’t either so sometimes I just don’t feel them.  I put them in a box and I ignore them, or distract myself or tell myself that there is no reason I feel a certain way so stop.  Guess what?  This doesn’t work in the long run.  Emotions are part of our whole being.  They aren’t good or bad, they just are.  They exist.  Sitting with an uncomfortable emotion is necessary sometimes and you will survive it.  When you feel sadness, anger, fear or embarrassment – whatever- stop and just feel it.  It seems so simplistic but we don’t do it.

It goes the other way too.  Sharing love, joy. laughter and tears is ok.  It doesn’t make you less of a person because  you tear up at a meeting.  It doesn’t make you weak to show you care about someone or something.  Making a decision because it makes you happy or because you are in love is not crazy.  Often people think things to death.  Trust your emotions. Sometimes we spend so much time of our lives disavowing feelings as unimportant when they are the essence of our being.

We are feeling beings.  What will happen if you embrace this?

Article Share

Saw this article and thought I’d share.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/

All of us are hurt at one time or another and I always like some tips on the pain not becoming how I define myself, just a part of the whole picture of me.

I like these tips.  The only one I may disagree with is Number 4: Stop Telling Your Story.  There is a point where retelling your story over and over again is counterproductive.  It can be like a wheel that has made a rut in the road and you become stuck and can’t get out.

However, sometimes a person retells their story because no one has acknowledged it in the way the individual needs.  I was told once if someone keeps repeating the same thing to me that I’m not hearing them.  I’m not responding the way they need me to respond.  I try to keep that in mind and figure out what someone is really trying to say to me.  If you’re not feeling heard – tell people that.  Keep speaking up.

Forgiving Ourselves

I'm apparently having a "Julie's Thoughts on Forgiveness Week."  I'm Ok with that.

The other day I posted about forgiving our friends.  Something I see as even more important and so much more difficult is forgiving ourselves.

Not one of us is perfect.  If holding on to rage and resentment to someone who has hurt us is detrimental, then imagine what holding on to rage and resentment towards you is doing to your sense of being. 

How do you forgive yourself? 

1)      Remind yourself that it is OK that you make mistakes.  You are not perfect and weren’t meant to be perfect.  Think about the expectations of yourself.  Are they realistic?  If they aren’t then work on readjusting them.

2)      Feel the emotions.  Feel the regret.  Feel the sadness.  Feel the feelings of inadequacy. Even feel the shame.   Many people avoid feeling.  These feelings don’t go away, they stay with us.  Feel them.  Acknowledge them.  If you do this the intensity will lesson.

3)      Take action.  Is there anything you can do to fix the situation.  Maybe there isn’t something directly you can do but you can choose to do something indirectly too.  (Don’t, though, get caught up in punishing yourself or making yourself do penance.  It will never feel like enough.)  Take any action.  When people take action, they often immediately feel better.

4)      Take whatever lesson you learned or experience you’ve gained and own it.  Try your best to use it in the future.

5)      Remind yourself that you are forgivable.  (You are worthy of forgiveness!)

“If you haven’t forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?”

           
Dolores Huerta.

“As soon as one forgives oneself, it is like taking away a bandage that covered one’s eyes.  When the bandage is gone, then one can see that the ones that love us have already forgiven us long ago and still there loving us.”     Juan Cavallo

Random quote

So I saw this quote on someone's Facebook and I thought "Yes!"  I think that many times people - both men and women- are just really hard on themselves.  We can love other people despite and because of their flaws but we refuse to love ourselves with the same abandon.  It is OK we have imperfections.  This is what makes us uniquely us.   I am someone who may be described as always having a smile, energetic and bright but I am also often moody, talk way too much and speak way too fast.  You know what?  That is all OK.  I like who I am.  This doesn't mean I can't grow and change but it means I get to love even the part of myself that is less likeable.  Try accepting and showing yourself at least the compassion you would show a stranger.  Your flaws (real or perceived) are part of the amazing mosaic of you!  Love yourself - with abandon.


*The quote on the picture is...*

“Let someone love you just as you are.  As flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you might feel, as unaccomplished as you might think you are; let someone love you just as you are.  And let that someone be you. “  Sandra Kring (www.sandrakring.com)

goddess quiz

I admit it.  When I have time or am procrastinating, I might take a personality or fun quiz or two.  On a board I watch someone put out a goddess quiz which is apparently based on the book “Goddess in Everywoman” by Jean Bolen.  Sometimes it may feel like none of the answer fits but if you just stick with it the explanations of the goddess are interesting.

Which goddess fits you? 

What I like about a quiz like this one is that I believe it lets us look at ourselves a little differently.  Maybe consider what are our strengths and struggles.  I’m all about self reflection.

The highest answer when I took the quiz was Persephone by quite a bit.  She is someone who had quite the struggles in mythology.  Her mother is involved, Hades is involved, the underworld, mystery and violence all present.

However, she is also known for being a reminder that after winter spring comes.  Some places describe her as offering hope and renewal at the time we are in the most despair.  She helps us bring us back to light and helps us transform to new.

As a therapist one of my greatest wishes and hopefully skill is to help you keep hope that change is possible and help you see that darkness isn’t all there is.  I wish that you could all remember that hope isn’t a horrible word and that even your darkest moments will pass.

Being You

How often have you heard (or given the advice) – “just be yourself.”  It is good advice.  It seems logical.  It seems simple.  I mean, how hard can it be to just “be yourself”?  Being ourselves is the one thing which each of us should excel!

Why then is it is so darn hard to just be ourselves?  What messages do you give yourself telling yourself there is something wrong with the way you are?   What are you thinking about when you think you need to act a certain way.  Do you compare yourself to others?  Do you think they’d never struggle or that they are so together and think maybe if you acted a bit more like them you’d be better?

What is so hard about trusting our own instincts?  I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking to be successful I would need to be something other than “myself”. 

Although I was born to be a social worker, I wasn’t exactly sure I would be a great therapist.  My idea of a therapist was someone who was academic, quiet, and easily knew all the correct things to say to clients.  When I started moving in the direction of becoming a therapist I really tried to emulate what I thought a perfect therapist was.  I wanted to seem smart and be able to spout off theories and explanations.  You know what?  I just wasn’t very successful at it.  I would struggle to build a genuine relationship because I wasn’t being genuine.  I gradually learned that I was much more connected and even much more insightful when I just was me. When I let myself use humor, be conversational and quote clichés, I did a much better job.   Being a therapist also became infinitely easier and more enjoyable because I was being myself. I’m sure my clients benefited too because who wants to build a relationship with someone who is trying to be someone else.

Next time you see you are struggling, try examining if you are being yourself.  Are you trying to fit your behavior into some constructed template?   Are you trying to live up to how you think you should be?  Try trusting your inner voice.  You know what you are doing.  You know who you are.  Just be you.

Love

“Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." ~unknown

I have often been drawn to this quote.  People are imperfect.  People disappoint and irritate.  People will let us down sometimes.  Even people who are ‘supposed’ to love you the most may fall short.

I strongly believe that we do not have to earn love.  I believe people are worthy of love and respect just because they are human.  Love isn’t earned, it just is. 

However, I know it is also complicated.

There is something about this quote which gets me thinking about accepting people for who they are and where they are at with their own journeys.    I don’t think a person has to put up with being treated disrespectfully or not have their needs met in relationships with significant others, children, family or friends.  It is just that people are often a bit broken in places. 

Maybe we are better off if we assume that people are putting their best heart forward.  Maybe someone who loves us doesn’t have the tools necessary to love us like we want. Maybe we can at least acknowledge that someone is trying with all they have even if it isn’t enough or even if it is a relationship we can’t stay in.

This quote pulls my thoughts to parents and children and the family with whom we are biological related.  It gets me thinking about people with mental illness or addictions or other issues that may get in the way of completely loving.

I like the idea of giving the benefit of the doubt (even while taking care of ourselves.) 

What would happen if we could accept that someone may not love up to our expectations and honor that they are loving with all they have? 

Choosing Love Or Kindness

Somewhere on the places I peruse on the internet there was a discussion about what happens after death and people’s personal beliefs about the afterlife.

One person wrote that they believed that after we are died we review our lives and we see all the times we could have chosen to be loving and we weren’t.

I really like this view – not because I look forward to having all the times I didn’t choose love laid out before me but because really, what an amazing way to live.

I like the idea of using that criterion as a compass to make decisions and live my life.  I could precede my decisions and actions by asking if I am being loving, compassionate or kind.    Both to others and myself. 

I would wager that if the answer to that question  is yes than my decision or action is the correct one.  I don’t think you can go very wrong being loving, compassionate or kind – no matter what the outcome is or how others react to your kindness.  I think many people, including myself, often miss opportunities to be loving or kind.  I’m going to try to keep this in mind as I move forward in my own life.

Time Heals All Wounds?

"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."  Rose Kennedy

I am struck by this quote.  When I was a child, I tripped into a glass pane that was on the floor.  I cut up my knee and I still have a scar from that incident so many years later.  There is no pain, the scar is lighter than it was but I remember the incident and I can see the scar.

I wonder if it would be helpful for people to look at emotional pain in a similar manner.  I think sometimes people are just waiting for the day something will no longer hurt or when they won’t be anxious or upset.  People distract and avoid negative feelings and often others are uncomfortable with someone else expressing difficult feelings.

Almost everyone says “Time Heals all Wounds”. I believe that is true but by healing it doesn’t mean the pain is just going to disappear if you wait it out long enough.  First, a person has to feel and acknowledge the pain.  Then a person may recover better if they realize the wound will heal but there might be a scar.  The scar may no longer hurt but occasionally there might be twinge, a moment of sadness or reminder of the event.

What feelings are you trying to wait out?  Try accepting and embracing them and understand that all of it is part of the fabric of who you are.

Since we were talking about sex...

 Who says "I love you" first and why?

Saying I Love You

Hope

Playing on the internet I found an article that supports my style of therapy.  I use humor a lot in sessions and my tag line is ~Helping You Hold Hope~

Humor Helps Hope

It is OK laugh and find humor in even situations that are horrific.  It doesn't mean you don't care enough or you aren't taking a situation seriously enough.  It means you are human.  It means that life is complicated and there is often bits of humor and hope, even in immense pain.  Tell a joke, share a funny memory, speak your mind.  It is ok to laugh.

Being Kind to Ourselves

This article reminded me  http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?src=me&ref=homepage that when I said be kind in an earlier post,  I also want you to be kind to yourself.

Giving ourselves a break or having compassion for ourselves is very hard.  Often we have expectations of perfection.  Sometimes we measure ourselves against the perceived awesomeness of those around us.  Let's make a deal.  I'll try if you do too.  Next time you get down on yourself for not being better, not doing better, for not meeting your expectations - stop.  Ask yourself if you would have compassion for another in this situation.  Support and motivate yourself.   Accept the shortcomings in order to soar even higher.

A favorite poem...

This poem below by Portia Nelson has always been one of my favorites.  It speaks to me about resilience, strength, figuring it out and even forgiving ourselves.  Life is a journey.  Working through our issues is a process.  There is hope to get to a better place.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

October is Mental Health Month

Our own mental health is priceless.  Do a quick check in with yourself.

• Have you felt sad or blue with no identifiable trigger?
• Have you felt sadness over a very long period of time?
• Are your moods interfering with your day to day activities?
• Have you started to have trouble concentrating? (For example you are an avid reader but can’t seem to get through more than a few pages of a book at a time.)
• Have you been feeling more irritable and frustrated?
• Have you changed your eating patterns?  Eating a lot more or a lot less?
• Have your sleeping patterns changed?  Are you sleeping all of the time or unable able to sleep at all?
• Have you lost interest in activities you generally enjoy?
• Does depression or other mental health issues run in your family?
• Have you had suicidal thoughts or ideation?

If you see yourself in the above questions, please gather some courage and take that next step.  Even if your mental health is totally fine, don't forget to take steps to maintain optimal mental health.

You can often complete depression and mental health screenings at your local hospital or mental health agency.  If you are in college your school probably has a counseling center you can access.  There are probably also mental health therapists in your area who are trained to help. Try giving one of them a call. 

Give yourself a deadline.  For example, tell yourself by the end of next week I will:    

n      Call my doctor to review my medication.

n      Look at my budget to see how to fit in a therapist.

n      Look at the local hospital website to see if there is a depression screening.

n      Any one (or more) thing you can think of that will give you forward motion to better mental health.

You may feel like you should be handle your emotions and difficulties all on your own.   Remind yourself that there is no shame in asking for help.  Every single one of us needs help at one time or another – there are no exceptions.  It is often very difficult to seek the help we need but the payoff can be well worth difficulty.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that it is OK to feel healthy, happy and whole.

I wish all that for you.

If you do have suicidal thoughts or ideations please contact help immediately.  You can call 911 if it is emergency or call the suicide hotline at 1-800-784-2433

Dr. Suess Quotes

Dr. Suess was born in 1904 and died almost 20 years ago but some of the wisdom in his children’s books is ageless.  We try to teach kids to love themselves, love others, be kind, that they are unique and special and loved but sometimes we forget these simple, joyful  truths of life when we grow up.  Some of his quotes are a bit sad but today I’m sharing the Dr. Suess quotes that brought a smile to me and hope they bring you a little bounce too.

 “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”

 “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the things you can think up if only you try!”

 “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Focusing On The Positive

At a training I attended this story was included in our materials.

An Old Cherokee Indian was speaking to his grandson: "A fight is going on inside me,"he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.  one is evil--he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.  The other is goo -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.  This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."  The grandson thought about it for a long minute, and then asked his grandfather, "which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee replied simply, "The one you feed."

Source: Whittmer G. Willkers (as noted on the story I have but it appears to be on the Internet in many places but usually just states Cherokee words of wisdom.)

Take some time and reflect on the part of your soul that you are feeding.  It seems to reason that if your focus is consistently on all that is not OK, the parts of yourself you do not like, and your mistakes etc., that  you will be inviting more darkness and unhappiness into your life.  Conversely if you focus on the amazing parts of your being and embrace that which is good that you will invite a more positive energy into your life.

Emotions

Maybe you just went through a break up.  Maybe someone near and dear to you died.  Maybe you are overwhelmed with your child’s behaviors.  When difficult situations arise often there are messy, uncomfortable emotions to feel.

So what do we do?  Well it seems as if most people’s first instincts are to get busy and avoid feeling.  Someone asks you “how are you doing?”  You say “keeping busy” or “working a lot”.  If you notice neither answer actually is a feeling – it is what you are doing to avoid feeling.  People often spend a lot of time avoiding having to feel.

At the same time most people will say they just want to feel better.  They want to accept their loss or frustration and move on.  They may be frustrated when it seems to take too long to feel better.

First there is no time limit for a feeling. Emotions are complicated and you may feel sad or happy or guilty all in a short time.   If your emotions start interfering with your day to day life you may consider getting outside assistance. 

Second, to get to the place of being better – you are going to have to stop and actually feel those uncomfortable feelings.  Take a moment and identify the feelings you have – not what you are thinking or what you are doing.  For example “I feel lonely” vs. “I think I’m not worthy” or whatever.  Take a moment to actually feel.  It is ok to feel sad or frustrated.  Emotions serve a purpose.  Difficult feelings might spurn you to make a change. 

The intensity of feelings generally fades when they are acknowledged and felt.  Taking the time to stop and just be with your emotions just may get you to the better place you want be.