In Your Twenties

This article caught my eye on my FB feed. 

Our Roaring 20s the Defining Decade 

It is definitely worth a look.  I love working with adults in their young twenties.  It is fun looking at the possibilities of life and all that may come.  I often find myself frustrated.  More than once in consultation I have talked about separating my issues from the young clients.  I struggle with the idea that so many in their early twenties don’t seem motivated to get out there and live life.  Many seem OK to live at mom and dads forever.  It is not unusual for a 24 or 25 year old tell me their mom told them they weren’t allowed to do something.  Inside I’m thinking, “You’re an adult – you can do it anyway.”  Of course if you’re financial dependent on the parents then maybe you can’t.  

I don’t think it an issue of laziness just different expectations and current trends.  I want the young people to get out there and do amazing things, find their careers, find their passions, and experience experiences.  I constantly checking if it is my wishes or their goals that I’m championing because obviously clients know themselves best and know what they want and honoring that is imperative.

I agree with the author about the twenties being a huge defining time in our lives, however it is not the only chance.  I know I am so very different than I was even at 30.  I have more passion, hope and drive so I don’t believe not having a wild and crazy twenties is definite deterrent to creating oneself but all that time when you could start embracing life.  Think of your twenties and what you could have missed out.

Remember, without those experiences you won’t have good stories to tell as you get older.  Just a thought.

Missing Piece

Once upon a time in a session someone said to me “I feel like I have a missing piece and when I find it I’ll feel whole.”   The book The Missing Piece by Shel Silverstein jumped in my head.  I remembered the book was about the circle Pac Man thingy rolling along and finding his missing piece.  Only, it turns out I remembered it wrong.  It is so much better than I remembered.

It is about this circle which is missing a piece.  (Think a pie slice.)  It searches far and wide for a piece that will fit it perfectly.  On the way it plays with butterflies and meets lots of different pieces it checks out.  The circle has all types of adventures and then one day it finally meets the piece that fits it perfectly.  He has so much joy because he found his missing piece.  Only, it doesn’t quite work out the way he expected.  The piece fits so well he becomes a full circle and starts rolling and rolling and isn’t able to play with butterflies or meet other pieces or enjoy any of what he passes on the journey.  The circle realizes having the missing piece isn’t better for him and separates from his missing piece.  He is able to take pleasure in his journey again.

How often are we that circle?  We think of happiness and contentment as the finish line.  I did it.  I am happy.  Maybe we think of happiness as finding that one true soul mate.  You may ask yourself “if this is the love of my life why aren’t I happy?”

It is because life isn’t about the finish line.  Life is everyday struggles and joys.  Life is sharing this with those we love – not about those we love filling in a place in our soul to make us complete.  You may not feel it but you are a whole person.  There is no missing piece.   You can grow, change and live but life is about now.  Stop looking for your missing piece.  Enjoy the journey. Play with butterflies.  Love, share joy and sorrow with those you meet along the way.  You are already worthy and complete.

Live Your Life!

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
Henry David Thoreau


Don’t be this person.  Share your song.   Life is meant to be lived.  There is going to be no magic wand so if you are looking to not live a life of quiet desperation you have to choose it.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that living is a choice.

What do you want your life to be?  Life is laughing.  Life is living up to your potential.  Life is quiet, content evenings at home, Life is adventure. Life is curiosity.  Life is both quiet and loud joy.   Life is learning. Life has struggle but doesn’t always have to be difficult.   Life is meant to be grand.  Life is love. 

Make your life everything you want it to be.  We are destined to be amazing and wonderful.  Embrace this destiny

Article Share

Saw this article and thought I’d share.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/

All of us are hurt at one time or another and I always like some tips on the pain not becoming how I define myself, just a part of the whole picture of me.

I like these tips.  The only one I may disagree with is Number 4: Stop Telling Your Story.  There is a point where retelling your story over and over again is counterproductive.  It can be like a wheel that has made a rut in the road and you become stuck and can’t get out.

However, sometimes a person retells their story because no one has acknowledged it in the way the individual needs.  I was told once if someone keeps repeating the same thing to me that I’m not hearing them.  I’m not responding the way they need me to respond.  I try to keep that in mind and figure out what someone is really trying to say to me.  If you’re not feeling heard – tell people that.  Keep speaking up.

Totally random post…

Robert Frost’s Poem:  Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171621

I have always absolutely loved the last stanza of this poem.  I have actually thought that if I would ever get a quote tattooed on me (which I’m guessing I never will) it would be the lines “…But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.”

Sometimes there are just sayings or lines in songs that touch something in us – even if no one else gets it.  The things that resonate us tells a lot about a person.  I’m not always sure what.

Grab on to those things that resonate with you.  They are who you are.

See.  Totally random.

Good Advice

When someone tells me they don’t have time to do something they want to do, I usually tell them that a person makes time for the things they want to do.  I tell them to make time for the things that will get them where they want to go, bring them joy or serenity or whatever they need. 

That’s good advice.

I’m going to work on following it.

Forgiving Ourselves

I'm apparently having a "Julie's Thoughts on Forgiveness Week."  I'm Ok with that.

The other day I posted about forgiving our friends.  Something I see as even more important and so much more difficult is forgiving ourselves.

Not one of us is perfect.  If holding on to rage and resentment to someone who has hurt us is detrimental, then imagine what holding on to rage and resentment towards you is doing to your sense of being. 

How do you forgive yourself? 

1)      Remind yourself that it is OK that you make mistakes.  You are not perfect and weren’t meant to be perfect.  Think about the expectations of yourself.  Are they realistic?  If they aren’t then work on readjusting them.

2)      Feel the emotions.  Feel the regret.  Feel the sadness.  Feel the feelings of inadequacy. Even feel the shame.   Many people avoid feeling.  These feelings don’t go away, they stay with us.  Feel them.  Acknowledge them.  If you do this the intensity will lesson.

3)      Take action.  Is there anything you can do to fix the situation.  Maybe there isn’t something directly you can do but you can choose to do something indirectly too.  (Don’t, though, get caught up in punishing yourself or making yourself do penance.  It will never feel like enough.)  Take any action.  When people take action, they often immediately feel better.

4)      Take whatever lesson you learned or experience you’ve gained and own it.  Try your best to use it in the future.

5)      Remind yourself that you are forgivable.  (You are worthy of forgiveness!)

“If you haven’t forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?”

           
Dolores Huerta.

“As soon as one forgives oneself, it is like taking away a bandage that covered one’s eyes.  When the bandage is gone, then one can see that the ones that love us have already forgiven us long ago and still there loving us.”     Juan Cavallo

Mindfulness, Mortification and Memories

I was recently able to go on a trip to Orlando, Florida for my cousin’s wedding celebration.  It was a good time to connect and enjoy those that are important in my life.
(And who knew Mickey and Minnie would come to the reception.)  These are my random thoughts on mindfulness, mortification and memories.

Mindfulness

Wedding preparations started months earlier.  Talk of plane tickets and places to stay and what to where have been forefront for quite awhile.  Finally the time for the trip arrived.  I heard from several people the statement “It will be over before you know it.”  There was a lot of anticipation and a lot of activities once in Florida.  The
worry with this situation is that there is so much to do in such a
short amount of time it is possible to forget about actually enjoying
the moments.  I wanted to avoid it being “over before I know it” and forgetting to enjoy my trip.  Trying to practice what I preached I made sure I took
moments to just be.  I looked off the 18th floor balcony overlooking
Epcot Center and Downtown Disney, feeling the wind, hearing the
background noises and enjoying the view.  When I was getting bored in
a ride, I would try to stop and focus on the ride, who I was with, and
what was being said – not thinking about the rest of the trip.  At the
wedding and reception I tried to focus on enjoying myself in each
moment whether it was the beauty of the vows, or the rhythm of dancing
or photos being taken or who I was talking to and not when I’d get sleep, or when I needed to get to the airport or how much money I spent.   Taking time and effort to be
mindful helped the vacation be much more meaningful and relaxing than
it may have been if I was task or worry oriented.

Mortification
I also had a mortifying experience during my trip.  Yes, I am sharing
it with everyone out there.  I was on Mission Space (or something) at
Epcot Center and did not follow the instructions.  Yep, I  closed my eyes and felt very disoriented.  (Reminder to self:  Sometimes rules are there for a reason.)  I became nauseous and yes I actually got sick on the ride.  For a
grown woman this is beyond mortifying.  You know what though?  I lived
through it.  Sometimes it is necessary to be reminded that each of us
has the ability to live through awkward, embarrassing or anxiety filled moments.

My 10 year old cousin offered the statement “Don’t worry Julie.
Sometimes things happen in life.  It is OK.”  Nice wisdom and compassion from him. (Of course the second his oldest brother got in the van he said “Hey,
Julie threw up on the ride!)

Sometimes when something happens that mortifies you remember how you
handle it says a lot.  You can live through it.  You will be OK.  You will not be forever marked.  You can be a role model for others.  You teach your kids that bad things happen but you can make it through.  Embarrassment is not the end of the world.  A mortifying moment is not a catastrophe.

Memories
Memories are part of our identity.  They help us with meaning.  They can
be a source of joy and contentment.  All the situations from this trip will be
cherished memories that will remind me of who I am and can be shared
with those I am close to.  I am sure sometime in my future someone in
my family will jokingly ask if I’ll be able to handle going on a
Merry-go-Round or something.  I’ll remember the weather and laughing
or worrying with friends.  The memories help me be who I am.  What
jokes does your family share year after year.  Which memories are the
most precious to you?

I am grateful for being able to practice mindfulness, live through the mortification and cherish my memories from the trip.

Tips for Men - Coping with the break-up

I created a short ezine article - Tips for Men Coping with the Break-up. 
See what you think!


http://ezinearticles.com/?Tips-for-Men---After-the-Breakup&id=6668947

Rebel - Just a little.

Life is often the same old thing day after day.  Get up, go to work, clean house, pick the kids up, make dinner, get gas – whatever- the same routine again and again.  Maybe you aren’t ready to make huge changes.  Maybe you don’t feel like you can do something wild and crazy but you know what?  You could do something just a little.

Maybe you could not style your hair before you go out.  Wear non-matching clothes.  Have a fun size snickers and string cheese for breakfast.  (I admit to doing this but I wasn’t rebelling – just not planning ahead.)  Skip work.  Go to a movie by yourself.  Go for a walk.  Leave the kids at their aunts on a school night.  Take a drive no where.  Do something that brings you joy but is out of your routine and is a bit unexpected. 

I rebel just a little each time I write in print such as when I am filling out a form.  I print the small letter a wrong almost every time. I print a instead of a. (Since it is in my last name I get to do it a lot!)  It is a small thing but it is one way for me to say “hey – I don’t have to be just like everyone else.  I can enjoy being me.”  (I also know they teach kids not to put a hat on a capital J but I do it anyway.  Yes I do. I get to rebel twice each time I write me name.) 

If you feel like you are doing the same thing every day.  If you feel as if life is just drudgery.  Stop.  Think.  Act.  Do one little thing to rebel – no one but you even needs to know you do it.  Life really isn’t about staying in the lines.  Color outside them, be creative and live.  

Choices

I shared this link on my professional facebook page today so I am double posting but I really wanted to share.       Living on $9.00/hour

Yesterday I was being a bit hard on myself about money choices.  I was also being a little less compassionate than I usually am about other people's choices with money.  The universe responded by putting this activity into my view.


It is interactive and walks you through the choices you might have to make each month if you have no money.  I know this is life for many of you and many others who are working hard and struggling more.   Go ahead and complete the activity.  Change your choice of job and your choices around spending money and the activity will give you different choices to think about.  The reality is that this activity doesn't even include everything a person might have to spend money on in a month.

For my part I am going to try to be more compassionate towards myself and others today.

Quarter Life Crisis? Mid Life Crisis?

I see a lot of articles and blogs about “quarter life crisis.”  This would be similar to what people call a midlife crisis but happens when you are in your mid twenties.  It  is a time when you ask yourself all the searching questions.  Why is my life so routine?  Is there more than this?  What is coming next?  Am I wasting my life?  What can I do to seize the moment?.  You then get on with your living your life.  This article here describes the 5 stages of a quarter life crisis.

5 stages of a quarter life crisis

Here is the thing though.  I’m reading this article and I’m thinking “isn’t that just what life is?”  There are times we mark time, there are periods of growth and renewal, there are times of commitment and joy.  Do we have to qualify it as an event?  I am hopeful that we are always searching for more or our better selves not just at the ages of 25 and 40.  My wish for people is that we are always living and looking for more.  I hope that people take time to sit quietly, build connections, take chances and find joy.  Why categorize and wait till a certain age to have a “crisis”?  There is no magical time when we shouldn't be growing and the answers are all suddenly clear.  There are always questions and one of the joys of the journey is searching out the answers.   Try to always look inward and outward to live the life you were meant to live.

Religion,Politics,Culture - Get talking about it!

One ‘rule’ of much of polite society is that you shouldn’t discuss religion and politics with people.  (Unless, of course, you are already positive they have the same views as you do and you can just sit around agreeing with each other.) 

You probably hear people say “it isn’t like anyone is going to change their mind.”  Unfortunately, just for that reason alone it is often good advice to just not go ‘there’.  Often people are so ingrained in their ideas they don’t listen and they aren’t open to even considering views that contradict their beliefs.  An individual so wants to make a case for their idea that they don’t listen to the other person’s views and there is no reason for the discourse.

I think there is something sad about this.  Back in the day before your strong opinions were formed - didn’t you enjoy talking about all the possibilities out there?  Wasn’t there a kind of fun in figuring out your values?  Often we start out with values that are the same as our parents (or the direct opposite.) Then we get the joy of the journey to figure out where we really stand.   Many times when we are young we are open to looking at new and different ways of thinking. 

People seem to lose the willingness along the way. I think we miss out if we don’t talk about subjects like religion, spirituality, government, laws, families, and culture just to name a few.  I absolutely love when I really listen to someone and am able to think “I never thought of it that way before.”  Our lives and the societies we live in change constantly.  Doesn’t it seem as if with all the new information out there that we should be taking it in and seeing if our current values still hold true. 

I consider it a failure that so many avoid diving in and having discussions – real discussions about what we believe in.  Not in an effort to change someone’s mind but to share viewpoints and respect the differences. 

Even discussions about topics that you feel strongly about could benefit from being open for discussion.  Sometimes we shy away from hearing other sides because it may feel uncomfortable and it might challenge our beliefs.  A lot of people balk at challenges to their beliefs.  Reevaluating ourselves can be scary.

If your viewpoints are solid – really listening to someone else’s beliefs will not crumble your beliefs, they may help clarify why you believe what you believe.  Or you may gain additional insight or adjust your opinion as you learn.  One of the amazements of life is that we can grow, change, and learn.

Life is complicated and contradictory – doesn’t it make sense that our values and beliefs would be too. Next time a ‘forbidden’ topic comes up try seeing if there is a way to have a genuine discussion and allow you to be open and engaged.  You might be surprised.

Love

“Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." ~unknown

I have often been drawn to this quote.  People are imperfect.  People disappoint and irritate.  People will let us down sometimes.  Even people who are ‘supposed’ to love you the most may fall short.

I strongly believe that we do not have to earn love.  I believe people are worthy of love and respect just because they are human.  Love isn’t earned, it just is. 

However, I know it is also complicated.

There is something about this quote which gets me thinking about accepting people for who they are and where they are at with their own journeys.    I don’t think a person has to put up with being treated disrespectfully or not have their needs met in relationships with significant others, children, family or friends.  It is just that people are often a bit broken in places. 

Maybe we are better off if we assume that people are putting their best heart forward.  Maybe someone who loves us doesn’t have the tools necessary to love us like we want. Maybe we can at least acknowledge that someone is trying with all they have even if it isn’t enough or even if it is a relationship we can’t stay in.

This quote pulls my thoughts to parents and children and the family with whom we are biological related.  It gets me thinking about people with mental illness or addictions or other issues that may get in the way of completely loving.

I like the idea of giving the benefit of the doubt (even while taking care of ourselves.) 

What would happen if we could accept that someone may not love up to our expectations and honor that they are loving with all they have? 

Doing What is Right?

Someone once told me that “a person doesn’t get extra credit by doing what is right.”  In theory I agree with this statement.  I believe in a basic expectation of kindness and compassion and trying to do the ‘right’ thing whatever that is.  I think treating individuals with a dignity just because they are human is imperative and that it should be a given not a bargain I make or with expectation of acknowledgement outside of hoping that others are doing the same.

On the other hand I struggle with this statement.  It isn’t that I think we should be rewarded for doing the correct thing but there are always so many variables.  For one, we don’t all start off on an even playing field.  Some people just have it easier than others.  I don’t say that so people use a hard childhood or crappy experiences as excuses.  I say it because I think it should count for something if a person does “what is right” after having done what is not right or having to learn it on their own or overcoming obstacles  vs. someone doing “what is right” because that is all I know.  

I think I may also struggle with this because I think that some people feel superior because they do the “the right thing” when someone else does not, when if they were living the other person’s life “the right thing” may be much more difficult to achieve.

Life is full of joy but it is also often very difficult.  I think that people should be recognized for overcoming struggles to get on the best path.  I don’t know.  Just random ramblings from Julie Fanning LCSW.