Random Musings on Bystanding

See no evil?  Once I was at a training on domestic violence and child abuse.  The speaker was illustrating some cases, that in hindsight, it seemed very obvious that there was a miscarriage of justice.  Reasons why the court had reluctance to find the perpetrator guilty or assign significant consequences were discussed.  The reason that stood out for me is that if the judge or juries are healthy, caring individuals it may be hard for them to imagine that someone could do such things to child.  For example, a judge might be abhorred to even consider having a sexual thought about his granddaughter so it is difficult to believe the upstanding, gentleman not only has them but acts on those sexual feelings.  I don’t know.  Is that it?  Are we bystanders because it is hard for us to believe the cruelty people may have for another.

Do people not act because we believe it is none of our business?  Do we think we don’t know the whole story so we just let it go?

Are we afraid of the time it may take if we step up.

 Are people afraid of being judged themselves so they don’t act?  Do we know we do things that people might judge so we don’t want to jump to conclusions?

Are our priorities just screwed up?  Is money, or avoiding conflict or a football program as the case may be more important that the safety and well-being of others?  Do we just not know what to do so we do nothing? 
 
Some of my thoughts were prompted from the Penn State issues last week.  A couple of links talking about this subject are

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/11/fifteen-adults-knew-about-child-sexual-assaults-at-penn-state-and-did-not-act

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/10/preventing-and-reporting-child-abuse-the-questions-raised-by-the-penn-state-scandal  


I don’t have answers.  When to step in and when to bystand is something each of us answers on our own time and in our own way.  I just know I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t step in because of fear or because it would just be too much trouble.

Random Tips on Coping With A Chronic Illness

I've been working on creating a tip sheet for working with chronic illness and this is what I have thus far and thought I would share.  (They are only random because it turns out I like to use the word random a lot!)

Tips for Living With A Chronic Illness

1 – It is Ok to grieve.  Grieving means you acknowledge the changes and will be able to embrace moving forward.  Know that grief will come and go and will generally lesson over time.

2 – Accept your illness.  It is what it is and accepting doesn’t mean you are happy with your illness but that you can understand that life sucks sometimes and that you have the strength to go on and even be happy.

3 – Stay productive.  You are tired and in pain and you just want to feel better.  Keeping a job or going out with the grandkids or spending time gardening may seem like impossible tasks.  Keeping active will improve your mood and even your health exponentially.  Try to do what you can.

4 – Take responsibility for your health.  Not only do you know yourself best, only you can follow the doctor’s recommendations.  Sometimes with an illness it is easy to feel like everyone has control over your life.  You may constantly be given directions such as “go take this test” or “don’t eat that” or “its not a big deal, it will only take a few hours.”   Take back the control.  This is your life.  It is not up to anyone else but you.

5 – Connect with your spirituality.   You are more than your illness.  Try connecting with whatever you believe in and try finding solace and comfort.  This can be an opportunity for self-reflection and looking at the bigger picture as it pertains to you.

6 – Accept help from others.  It is easy to say “I’m ok, I can do it.”  Most of the time when people offer to help they really want to help.  Give them an opportunity.  It is not a weakness to let someone help you out.

7 – Let yourself have bad days.  Everyone, if they are healthy or sick, have rough days.  Forgive yourself for having bad days.  Remember bad days or times will pass.  A bad moment doesn’t mean all day will be horrible and a bad day doesn’t mean there won’t be good days and moments coming up.

8 – Find joy where you can.  It may seem cliché but if you look you can find moments of joy all over the place.  The colors of the trees, clean sheets, the smell of cookies, hearing your favorite song, a hello from a friend, a funny cartoon, your dog being happy to see you, your child saying something hilarious – to just name a few.  Maybe it is just time to yourself or a short time without pain.   Work at recognizing and honoring moments of joy when they occur.

goddess quiz

I admit it.  When I have time or am procrastinating, I might take a personality or fun quiz or two.  On a board I watch someone put out a goddess quiz which is apparently based on the book “Goddess in Everywoman” by Jean Bolen.  Sometimes it may feel like none of the answer fits but if you just stick with it the explanations of the goddess are interesting.

Which goddess fits you? 

What I like about a quiz like this one is that I believe it lets us look at ourselves a little differently.  Maybe consider what are our strengths and struggles.  I’m all about self reflection.

The highest answer when I took the quiz was Persephone by quite a bit.  She is someone who had quite the struggles in mythology.  Her mother is involved, Hades is involved, the underworld, mystery and violence all present.

However, she is also known for being a reminder that after winter spring comes.  Some places describe her as offering hope and renewal at the time we are in the most despair.  She helps us bring us back to light and helps us transform to new.

As a therapist one of my greatest wishes and hopefully skill is to help you keep hope that change is possible and help you see that darkness isn’t all there is.  I wish that you could all remember that hope isn’t a horrible word and that even your darkest moments will pass.

Stop Helping!!!!

OK.  I don’t really mean that.  More like – sometimes helping is not really helpful.

I started thinking about this when I was driving the other day. I came upon the aftermath of an accident.  One car looked pretty smashed up but it did look like all the people involved were OK.  A man who did not seem to be part of the accident, stopped his van – blocking part of the road and started directing traffic.  This man obviously wanted to be helpful. I just am not sure it is helpful to stand in the middle of a dangerous intersection, with a blind spot, and direct speeding cars?  (Granted I was a little irritated because he was trying to get me to go somewhere that I wasn’t inclined to go.)  It seemed to me that in his effort to help he was blocking the road, putting himself in danger and putting other drivers in danger.  Maybe there were other ways for him to help such as making sure 911 was called, or checking on the people in the cars or at the very least getting his van OFF the roadway.

People like to help.  Generally, if someone sees another person in pain they want to alleviate the pain.  By doing so they help the person and even ease their own empathic pain they feel for the person.  It is just that sometimes difficulty serves a purposes.    Sometimes “helping” is not helpful.  I run into this almost daily with the dialysis patients I work with.  A staff member feels bad for a patient, wants the patient and themselves to feel better and comes to me and asks me to basically fix a situation.   Often I find fixing the issue isn’t helpful.  Often it is something the patient is able to do for themselves and by doing it for them I am sending the message that they are dependent, that they don't have control of their life, that they can't function.  It is probably more helpful to give them information and tools and support them while they get through it themselves.

People do it for family members and their children all the time.  Fix a problem, help someone avoid a consequence, help someone avoid difficulty.  We want people we care about to be happy but by arranging outcomes we may be hindering that which the person most needs to be successful.  I have been immensely grateful for family and friends who have helped me in times of trouble but there are definitely times where being helped may have actually delayed me from getting where I needed to be.

Before you jump in and help someone and fix their problem – stop and consider.  Ask yourself “is this really going to help.”  Will this make their problem more difficult in the future?  Is there another way to help that doesn’t take power away from them?  Am I helping for me or for them?

Sometimes we hurt and have to struggle to get where we need to be.  Help may not be fixing, maybe help is just being there and being supportive – letting someone not be alone.  I don't want anyone to stop helping - just consider first.

Read the story of the butterfly below for an illustration of when helping may not be helpful.

STORY OF THE BUTTERFLY

Giving Back

Sometimes when we see individuals struggling we want to help them out.  Sometimes when we are grateful for goodness or bounty in our lives we want to give back.  Although there are always small things we can do and things we can do that don't cost money, most of us get that many programs and organizations need money to survive.

I don't always have a lot of money to give and can't give to everything that is worthy so I was very excited to find this website.   Philiantrhoper.com

It highlights a different non-profit organization a day and its tag line is a little helps a lot.  It takes donations of $1.00 to give to the chosen organization.

I get e-mail alerts each day, I check out the organization and if it is one I support, I give a dollar.  It is such an easy, painless way for me to help.  The hardest part was signing up for the money processing they use but if you hang in there it gets done and you don't have to worry about it again.

Check it out and see how you can help a little.